Johnny Cash vs. Belial Mammon
Country music and heavy metal in a duet together
Inspired by a poetry contest between
@RestlessButterfly and @CorvyusMorte
Johnny Cash : Down by the old oak tree
tranquil waters flowed free
in my sunlit youth
full of dreams forsooth...
Belial Mammon: Down by that fucking tree
where I lost my virginity
into that bloody stream
severed bodies I threw
Johnny Cash: It was there that fine June morn
Dad had just sewn oats and corn
that I saw you standing there
sunlight sparkling in your hair
Belial Mammon: It was night, no fucking morn
I was surfing cyberporn
into the moonlight you appeared
with your silk lingerie tattered rear
Johnny Cash: I fell in love I must admit
when I invited you to sit
we danced those summer nights away
skies were blue, no sign of gray
Belial Mammon: I pulled my pants down on the spot
my cock penetrated your moist twat
you turned over and offered your rear
which I sodomized until day appear
Johnny Cash: And on that autumn day in church
you left me standing in the lurch
for all that stood before that altar
was the minister and my best man Walter.
Belial Mammon: When you fucked the drummer in my band
and told him my semen tasted like sand
I killed you before my goat's head altar
told it you were a virgin, what a 'holler.
Johnny Cash: And now every day I cry and cry
my tears to me a sweet lullaby
you broke my heart, you done me wrong
all that's left for me is to sing this song.
Belial Mammon: And your blood I licked it all up
like drops in a communion cup
on your bits of flesh I did feast
your pussy tasted like yeast.
-A duet written for a country music and heavy metal singer
written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Thursday afternoon September 29th 2011.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Amadeus Practices His Iban and Malay
Amadeus had been invited to eat at the same dinner table this evening as his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Amadeus normally had a very healthy appetite but watching his boss eat, he'd always lose his appetite.
"Udah makai lemai nuan?" Amadeus asked as Athelstan brought Set his dessert.
"What?" Set looked perplexed.
"That's a phrase in the Iban language," Amadeus answered.
"Iban? Aren't those the people who used to hunt for human heads?" Set asked as he munched on a human foot.
Amadeus winced and looked the other direction.
He then picked up a puppet figure of Tony Blair and using a ventriloquist voice said, "Sudah makan petang kamu?".
"What's that?" Set asked.
"It's Malay," Amadeus replied.
"What do those phrases mean in English?" Set inquired.
"Have you had your dinner already?" Amadeus answered with a question.
"Well, obviously," Set belched.
To be continued.
Amadeus normally had a very healthy appetite but watching his boss eat, he'd always lose his appetite.
"Udah makai lemai nuan?" Amadeus asked as Athelstan brought Set his dessert.
"What?" Set looked perplexed.
"That's a phrase in the Iban language," Amadeus answered.
"Iban? Aren't those the people who used to hunt for human heads?" Set asked as he munched on a human foot.
Amadeus winced and looked the other direction.
He then picked up a puppet figure of Tony Blair and using a ventriloquist voice said, "Sudah makan petang kamu?".
"What's that?" Set asked.
"It's Malay," Amadeus replied.
"What do those phrases mean in English?" Set inquired.
"Have you had your dinner already?" Amadeus answered with a question.
"Well, obviously," Set belched.
To be continued.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The General And The CIA Special Archives
The General was touring CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia.
He was the director designate of the CIA.
He had served in both Iraq and Afghanistan and was a decorated soldier.
He had been called to Headquarters in Langley to receive a special briefing on a theft that had occurred at the CIA Special Archives.
"Special Archives?" the General asked his briefer.
"These are items that are so sensitive to national security that they're not even put on computer for fear of attack by hackers," the briefer explained, "so they're kept as paper documents in a special secure fire proof safe on this floor."
"And someone recently broke in and stole one of the documents?" the General asked.
"That is correct, sir," said the briefer, "although one might use the term some thing. It was a hamster that walked into the safe when one of our agents was going through the Special Archives and helped himself to the file- that is the hamster helped himself to the file."
"Hamster?" the General was flabbergasted, "you mean like one of those furry-?..."
"Exactly sir," the briefer nodded, "one of those cute cuddly furry little things that are so popular with children. That ride their hamster wheels around and around in cages."
"And you've got photos and videos of the hamster stealing the file?" the General asked.
"Indeed we do, sir," the briefer said, "otherwise we wouldn't have suspected a hamster. Hamsters are rather small in size as you no doubt know sir so that's why no one saw it. But after the theft was detected, we re-checked the security cameras on this floor and through close-ups spotted the hamster."
"And I suppose you lost track of the hamster?" the General sighed.
"We lost track of the hamster, yes, sir," the briefer answered, "but not our rodent sniffing cat special agent whom we call Bourne Feline."
"The CIA has a rodent sniffing cat special agent called Bourne Feline?" the General shook his head.
"Yes, sir, the cost of his cat food which comes under CIA special appropriations was a subject of intense heated debate earlier this summer between Republican and Democrat over whether it should be subject to cuts if the U.S. debt ceiling was to be raised," the briefer explained, "it was almost a deal killer for the debt deal that is until President Obama asked his daughter Malia to step in and speak to a closed session of Congress and tell members of both parties what an extremely cute kitty cat it was."
"A little child shall lead them," the General quoted Scripture.
"I beg your pardon, sir," his briefer blinked.
"Continue," the General waved his hand.
"So Bourne Feline using his rodent sniffing skills tracked the scent of the hamster down to a motel room in the town of Mineral, Virginia which coincidentally was also the epicenter of last month's major East Coast earthquake," the briefer noted.
"And when our agents got there, did they find a hamster?" the General asked.
"No, sir, the hamster appears to have dropped off the face of the Earth," the briefer answered, "when our agents got there, a British subject by the name of Renfield R. Renfield was busy banging the town's very beautiful local lady of the evening."
"And what are Mr. Renfield's last known whereabouts?" the General inquired.
"Mr. Renfield was last seen floating down a flooded highway in Vermont," the briefer briefed.
"Best to concentrate our efforts on recapturing the scent of the hamster," the General ordered.
"Very good, sir," the briefer saluted.
"Oh, one more thing," the General turned around, "what was in the file that was stolen?".
"The file relates how when Apollo 11 landed on the moon in July, 1969, they found a casket containing a vampire on the lunar surface," the briefer related.
"Really?" now it was the General's turn to blink.
"Yes, sir," the briefer nodded, "when Commander Neil Armstrong asked what was to be done about the coffin, one of NASA's senior higher-ups ordered Armstrong to put the casket and the respective vampire aboard the lunar module and bring it back to Earth."
"A NASA top official ordered that a casket containing a vampire be brought back to Earth?" the General was incredulous.
"Yes, sir," the briefer acknowledged, "in retrospect the decision wouldn't exactly be considered rocket science."
To be continued.
He was the director designate of the CIA.
He had served in both Iraq and Afghanistan and was a decorated soldier.
He had been called to Headquarters in Langley to receive a special briefing on a theft that had occurred at the CIA Special Archives.
"Special Archives?" the General asked his briefer.
"These are items that are so sensitive to national security that they're not even put on computer for fear of attack by hackers," the briefer explained, "so they're kept as paper documents in a special secure fire proof safe on this floor."
"And someone recently broke in and stole one of the documents?" the General asked.
"That is correct, sir," said the briefer, "although one might use the term some thing. It was a hamster that walked into the safe when one of our agents was going through the Special Archives and helped himself to the file- that is the hamster helped himself to the file."
"Hamster?" the General was flabbergasted, "you mean like one of those furry-?..."
"Exactly sir," the briefer nodded, "one of those cute cuddly furry little things that are so popular with children. That ride their hamster wheels around and around in cages."
"And you've got photos and videos of the hamster stealing the file?" the General asked.
"Indeed we do, sir," the briefer said, "otherwise we wouldn't have suspected a hamster. Hamsters are rather small in size as you no doubt know sir so that's why no one saw it. But after the theft was detected, we re-checked the security cameras on this floor and through close-ups spotted the hamster."
"And I suppose you lost track of the hamster?" the General sighed.
"We lost track of the hamster, yes, sir," the briefer answered, "but not our rodent sniffing cat special agent whom we call Bourne Feline."
"The CIA has a rodent sniffing cat special agent called Bourne Feline?" the General shook his head.
"Yes, sir, the cost of his cat food which comes under CIA special appropriations was a subject of intense heated debate earlier this summer between Republican and Democrat over whether it should be subject to cuts if the U.S. debt ceiling was to be raised," the briefer explained, "it was almost a deal killer for the debt deal that is until President Obama asked his daughter Malia to step in and speak to a closed session of Congress and tell members of both parties what an extremely cute kitty cat it was."
"A little child shall lead them," the General quoted Scripture.
"I beg your pardon, sir," his briefer blinked.
"Continue," the General waved his hand.
"So Bourne Feline using his rodent sniffing skills tracked the scent of the hamster down to a motel room in the town of Mineral, Virginia which coincidentally was also the epicenter of last month's major East Coast earthquake," the briefer noted.
"And when our agents got there, did they find a hamster?" the General asked.
"No, sir, the hamster appears to have dropped off the face of the Earth," the briefer answered, "when our agents got there, a British subject by the name of Renfield R. Renfield was busy banging the town's very beautiful local lady of the evening."
"And what are Mr. Renfield's last known whereabouts?" the General inquired.
"Mr. Renfield was last seen floating down a flooded highway in Vermont," the briefer briefed.
"Best to concentrate our efforts on recapturing the scent of the hamster," the General ordered.
"Very good, sir," the briefer saluted.
"Oh, one more thing," the General turned around, "what was in the file that was stolen?".
"The file relates how when Apollo 11 landed on the moon in July, 1969, they found a casket containing a vampire on the lunar surface," the briefer related.
"Really?" now it was the General's turn to blink.
"Yes, sir," the briefer nodded, "when Commander Neil Armstrong asked what was to be done about the coffin, one of NASA's senior higher-ups ordered Armstrong to put the casket and the respective vampire aboard the lunar module and bring it back to Earth."
"A NASA top official ordered that a casket containing a vampire be brought back to Earth?" the General was incredulous.
"Yes, sir," the briefer acknowledged, "in retrospect the decision wouldn't exactly be considered rocket science."
To be continued.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Dinner Is Set Or Rather A Dinner For Set
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was preparing to feed.
He just didn't suck blood.
He had a virtual blood bath with his victims.
The man and woman were chained in the dungeon of his mansion.
He had swooped down when he saw them kissing in Hyde Park and grabbed both of them in his taloned hands.
He shredded their clothes after he chained them.
He then used his long taloned nails to cut through and pierce every single inch of skins on their bodies.
The blood squirted out and Set thirstily drank.
Eventually after a couple of hours, the couple finally died.
Set wiped a trace of blood off his satisfied smile.
"Beg your pardon, sir," Athelstan his valet and butler called from the top of the stairs, "it's your loyal servant Col. Muammar Gaddafi calling for help."
"He's no longer in control of the country of Libya is he?" Set asked sneeringly.
"That is correct, sir," Athelstan nodded.
"Then he is no longer of any use to us," Set helped himself to an ear, a nose and an eyeball and started chewing.
To be continued.
He just didn't suck blood.
He had a virtual blood bath with his victims.
The man and woman were chained in the dungeon of his mansion.
He had swooped down when he saw them kissing in Hyde Park and grabbed both of them in his taloned hands.
He shredded their clothes after he chained them.
He then used his long taloned nails to cut through and pierce every single inch of skins on their bodies.
The blood squirted out and Set thirstily drank.
Eventually after a couple of hours, the couple finally died.
Set wiped a trace of blood off his satisfied smile.
"Beg your pardon, sir," Athelstan his valet and butler called from the top of the stairs, "it's your loyal servant Col. Muammar Gaddafi calling for help."
"He's no longer in control of the country of Libya is he?" Set asked sneeringly.
"That is correct, sir," Athelstan nodded.
"Then he is no longer of any use to us," Set helped himself to an ear, a nose and an eyeball and started chewing.
To be continued.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
The Magician
He stands there in the dark
a sizzling human spark
he has come to perform for you
a stage taming of the shrew
by sawing a lovely damsel in half
though sawn she wiggles her calf
sex and violence seem to merge
satisfying some primeval urge
that is why we stand and clap
seeing this and the water trap
for to death he seemingly sends the girl
with a wave of baton and moustache twirl
but then he brings her back
with speed of lightning crack.
Saw, whip, torture seems fun
underneath the shot of circus gun
there our dark passions come out to play
sending into shadows shades of gray
but when the spot light shines and curtains part
we realize why magic is a seductive art
for one moment frozen in time
thanatos and eros dance sublime
and two urges
civility submerges
go down in the depths with the girl in slit dress
the magician does things we wouldn't confess
so that's why we keep coming back
to watch her emerge from a torturer's rack.
-The Magician
a poem written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Thursday evening, September 1st 2011.
a sizzling human spark
he has come to perform for you
a stage taming of the shrew
by sawing a lovely damsel in half
though sawn she wiggles her calf
sex and violence seem to merge
satisfying some primeval urge
that is why we stand and clap
seeing this and the water trap
for to death he seemingly sends the girl
with a wave of baton and moustache twirl
but then he brings her back
with speed of lightning crack.
Saw, whip, torture seems fun
underneath the shot of circus gun
there our dark passions come out to play
sending into shadows shades of gray
but when the spot light shines and curtains part
we realize why magic is a seductive art
for one moment frozen in time
thanatos and eros dance sublime
and two urges
civility submerges
go down in the depths with the girl in slit dress
the magician does things we wouldn't confess
so that's why we keep coming back
to watch her emerge from a torturer's rack.
-The Magician
a poem written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Thursday evening, September 1st 2011.
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