Dec. 21st 2012- The Tempest or Much Ado About Nothing?

It was the Egyptian vampiress Isis standing at Dracul Van Helsing's door.

She was wearing a black mask, black lace gloves and a sexy and elegant lilac evening dress.

"Wow, you look absolutely gorgeous, Isis," the Canadian vampire hunter remarked.

"Thank you, Dracul," Isis smiled, "but I'm here to stop you from preventing my husband Osiris' return from the star system of Sirius."

"Husband eh?" Dracul shook his head, "isn't he also your brother as well? You know if you appeared on the Dr. Phil Show, I'm sure he'd have something to say about your practice of incest..."

"I'm going to tie you to your bed and make love to you," Isis French kissed him.

"Okay," was Dracul's answer.

Just then the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec arrived wearing a sexy and elegant red evening dress.

"I'm going to join Isis in tying you to your bed and making love to you," Qonzilqointec nibbled on his ear, "that way you won't be able to stop my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl from returning to Earth from his exile on Saturn's moon Titan."

Isis continued to French kiss him while Qonzilqointec licked his back and shoulders.

"You know I'd have moved to Vancouver a lot sooner in life if I had known Vancouver was going to be like this," was Dracul's passing comment in between interludes of Isis' tongue.

                                         *       *       *

"Where the Hell is Dracul?" South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan asked as she stood on the beach in her black leather skirt and dominatrix boots holding a stake and a mirror.

"I knocked on his door," Amadeus Emanon approached the beach carrying a toy piano which he placed on a log, "but apparently the two vampiresses Isis and Qonzilqointec were making love to him."

"I'll kill the bastard," Hyung dropped the mirror but ran off still holding the stake.

Renfield R. Renfield in the meantime had brought a stereo system to the English Bay beach on this evening of December 21st 2012.

"I'm going to play Rihanna's song Diamonds backwards," Renfield announced, "to see if the coded message regarding Osiris' return was backward masked in the song."

He started playing the Rihanna song Diamonds backwards.

The lyrics went, "My name is Mitt Romney, I was born in Kenya and I have a phony birth certificate..."

Meanwhile as hundreds of people stood on the English Bay beach eagerly awaiting the end of the world according to the New Age interpreters of the end of the Mayan long count calendar,  Amadeus sat down at his toy piano and played the song Don't Worry, Be Happy.

The Invisible Man aka elusive Swiss billionaire Lester Mittendorf also walked along the beach but as he was invisible, no one noticed.

Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was in a rowboat with a mirror and a minature model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider setting up everything for Osiris' return.

He was assisted in his efforts by the Indian mermaid Priyanka.

Celsius was wearing old radio headphones and was speaking into a seashell attached to old telegraph wires, "Hello Osiris? Are you there? Celsius calling Osiris... are you there?".

As Amadeus broke into a roaring rendition of Monty Python's Lumberjack Song on his toy piano, a bright light flashed over English Bay.

"It's the end of the world," someone on the beach shouted.

"Oh Christ, I have to pee," another person shouted, "I'm going to miss it. I shouldn't have ordered such a large cup of Pepsi at the drive through."

A spaceship bearing the insignia Osiris One suddenly appeared in the sky.

Another flash of light.

A spaceship bearing the insignia Quetzalcoatl Too suddenly appeared in the sky.

The two spaceships hit one another.

"We've got a collision between two spaceships," Renfield shouted.

"Someone better call the Interplanetary Police Traffic Division," Amadeus answered as he broke into a rousing rendition of the theme song from Hawaii Five-O on his toy piano.

Suddenly a submarine carrying the white blue and red flag of Russia as well as a large personally autographed billboard picture of Vladimir Putin rose from beneath the waters.

The submarine fired its laser death ray at the two entangled spaceships and both vanished like a puff of smoke.

The captain of the submarine Captain Nikolai Soloviev pulled his craft on to the shore and stepped out on to the beach.

As he did so, he stepped on the tail of a little white dog who was wearing a Scots tartan wool sweater.

The little dog let out a loud whimper after getting its tail stepped on.

And so the person who originally coined that expression was absolutely 100% correct.

What expression was that? you ask.

The expression that said...

The world will end not with a bang but with a whimper...

To be continued.

Russian Sub In English Bay

Captain Nikolai Soloviev looked  through the periscope aboard his Russian submarine.

He had been specially selected for this mission.

Because he was one of Russia's few submarine captains who had the ability to escape detection by the ever careful watchful eye of the Royal Canadian Navy.

Now here he was with his submarine in English Bay just off the shoreline of the city of Vancouver B.C.

He was watching.

Watching and waiting.

Waiting for the right moment he had been ordered to shoot with his submarine's laser death ray (a weapon the Russians assured the Obama Administration that they didn't have and the Obama Administration fell for it) either a bright intense flash of light or possibly a spacecraft if it suddenly appeared in the sky over English Bay tomorrow night on the evening of December 21st 2012.

Captain Soloviev had read in an Eyes Only document sent to him by the Kremlin that the intense flash of light or spacecraft would be carrying an ancient Egyptian vampire from outer space.

Captain Soloviev wondered whether one of his masters in the Kremlin had been watching too many episodes of some spaced-out program on ancient aliens or Nostradamus on America's History Channel.

But still he had his orders.

And if it turned out to be true, no ancient Egyptian vampire however powerful would be getting past his sub's laser death ray.

To be continued.

Renfield's Late Mother's Day Present or Early Christmas Present

"I see Syrian President Bashar Assad has offered to re-friend me on Facebook,"  Renfield told Amadeus, "he said the reason he de-friended me this past summer was because the man they call America's Pastor Rick Warren had de-friended Assad on Facebook and the Syrian President became upset with westerners in general."

Amadeus had remembered how upset Renfield had been when Bashar Assad had de-friended him on Facebook.

"So are you going to accept the re-friend request?" Amadeus asked Renfield.

""Nope," Renfield shook his head, "nobody de-friends me and gets away with it."

The phone rang and Renfield picked it up.

He yacked for a few minutes and then put it down.

"Who was that?" Amadeus asked.

"It was the private eye I hired to track down my mother," Renfield answered, "or rather the woman who carried me to term after my embryo was implanted in her womb.  My embryo which was created from the DNA from strands of hair from Napoleon, Robespierre, Hitler and a few other notable historic individuals that many people call barbaric and despots for some reason.  As well as the DNA from a genetically enhanced super hamster that was created by a North Korean mad scientist in a North Korean laboratory as a result of the late North Korean leader Kim Jong-il's Frankensteinian Science Renaissance Project."

"Where is your mother living?" Amadeus asked.

"Coincidentally," Renfield grinned, "it turns out that she's living here in Vancouver so I'm going to pay her a visit this afternoon."

"Are you going to bring her roses?" Amadeus asked.

"No, I'm going to shoot her for giving me up," Renfield smiled.

Renfield was forced to knock out Amadeus when the latter protested.

                                   *    *    *

Renfield rented a truck and cursed as he drove the snow-filled Vancouver streets that were the result of a rare snowfall that had hit the City of Vancouver today.

"I thought it didn't snow here in Vancouver," Renfield protested, "I might as well be living in Dracul Van Helsing's home province of Alberta with all this wretched snow falling here."

After demolishing several motor vehicles with his monster-sized truck on the icy roads and running over several bicylists who were stupid enough to be out cycling on a snow day, Renfield arrived at his mother's house and went up and knocked on the door.

A woman answered.

Renfield compared the woman's facial features with the photo of the woman that the private eye had emailed him.

When he saw they were the same, he pulled out a gun and shot and killed her.

He then whistled his way back to the truck and emailed Amadeus on his iPhone that he had shot and killed her.

                                       *       *     *

When Amadeus came to and checked his iPhone and read his emails, he noticed that Renfield had shot and killed his mother.

"So," Amadeus noted, "some psycho in Connecticut shoots and kills his mother and then kills a whole bunch of children while here in British Columbia some psycho shoots and kills Santa Claus and then shoots and kills his mother."

This wasn't turning out to be a peace on Earth Christmas this year, Amadeus reflected.

To be continued.

Renfield and Rihanna Like Diamonds In The Sky

Renfield was watching the same Rihanna video Diamonds over and over again.

Amadeus had always liked Rihanna's song Diamonds but now he was getting sick of it hearing it over and over again as Renfield kept watching the same video.

"Haven't you watched it enough times already?" Amadeus asked as Renfield started to play it for the 666th time.

"I was told by one of my sources that this Rihanna video Diamonds contains a secret coded message explaining the method whereby the Boss' brother Osiris shall transport to Earth from Sirius and arrive at English Bay here in Vancouver on December 21st, 2012," Renfield explained.

As Renfield now started to sing aloud the lyrics along with Rihanna, Amadeus decided that now was the time to leave the hotel room.

Amadeus decided to take an evening stroll along the beach at English Bay.

Someone walked past him with the volume turned up on his iPod.

The man was obviously listening to a radio podcast on his iPod as he could hear a voice saying, "And for all you conspiracy theorists out there, I have to say this to you- no one believed the emails you sent them when you told them that 100,000 people would die in a nuclear explosion at the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics and you'll find that the same people will believe you even less when you send them emails now..."

Amadeus had to laugh as he thought of Renfield and his anonymous source.

Although as Amadeus looked up at the night sky and saw how big and sparkling the stars seemed to be over English Bay, he had to admit they did look a lot like diamonds in the sky.

To be continued.

Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius and the CERN Large Hadron Collider

Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was talking to one of his colleagues in Switzerland using Skype.

The colleague was overseeing experiments at the CERN Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland where Dr. Celsius used to work.

Experiments would be running at the CERN collider from December 17th to December 21st 2012.

Dr. Celsius would be using the CERN experiments as the method whereby he'd transport the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris from a planet in the star system of Sirius to Earth using  a space/time interdimensional portal.

Osiris' arrival would be on December 21st coincidentally just at the same time the Mayan long count calendar ended.

These space/time wormholes were already bringing some people from Earth's past to Earth's present.

He had heard that an 18th Century Caribbean pirate had arrived in the present day using one of these wormholes within the past month.

He wondered what had happened to that pirate as he glanced over at the world news on his TV screen where the UN Secretary For the Oceans Baird Black was calling for a new global Law of the Seas conference.

To be continued.

Innocence Lost: The Connecticut School Shootings

Primary school in Connecticut

Mass shooting

20 children dead

and six adults.

Gunman also dead.

The death toll may rise.

King Herod the Butcher

of Bethlehem

is not dead

His spirit lives on

whether it inhabit

the body of a

KIng in Judea

or a gunman 

in Connecticut.

As Yeats once wrote,

"The blood-dimmed tide is loose

and everywhere,

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst

are full of passionate intensity."

Today a tsunami of blood

rolled over

Sandy Hook Elementary School

in Newtown, Connecticut.

A Connecticut Yankee in King Herod's court

was full of passionate intensity.

-written by Christopher

 circa 1:20 PM Pacific Standard Time

 Friday afternoon December 14th 2012

Will Santa Claus Be Coming To Town This Christmas?

Santa Claus was on the beach handing out candy canes to the children.

One little boy said, "I was talking on the phone to my Southern Baptist grandmother last night and she said I shouldn't talk or write to you anymore because you're gay. She said she read on the Net that you were married in a same sex ceremony on the beach yesterday."

"That wasn't me, sonny," Santa replied, "that's only somebody who looked like me."

As Santa continued to hand out small presents to kids on the beach, Renfield R. Renfield was taking aim with his semi-automatic weapon.

He pulled the trigger.

"That's what you get for not giving me the nuclear-missile loaded atomic submarine I asked for last Christmas," Renfield laughed.

Santa fell to the ground as blood poured from his forehead staining his snow white beard.

The kids ran away screaming.

"Those kids are going to have traumatic nightmares for the rest of their lives," Renfield cackled as he downed a glass of beer, "so tonight I'll have created a whole new generation of future psychopaths. Bwahahahah!".

Amadeus was horrified.

"And I was about to walk down to the seashore and ask Santa for a candy cane," Amadeus blubbered.

"Sweet dreams are made of this," Renfield tried to impersonate Annie Lennox's singing voice but failed miserably.

To be continued.

The Aztec Vampiress Qonzilqointec and Hugo Chavez

In the hospital in Havana, Cuba lay Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez recovering from his operation.

"Hugo?" the sexy sultry voice of the beautiful woman dressed in the red evening dress spoke to him.

The Venezuelan President squinted and recognized the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec who was the spiritual god-daughter of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl.

"Your Highness," Hugo answered.

"I heard about the return of your cancer," Qonzilqointec spoke sympathetically. "I was wondering if you'd like me to turn you into a vampire. That way, you and your people's revolution in Venezuela will live forever."

Qonzilqointec had turned the Marxist Leon Trotsky into a vampire in Mexico City in 1940 when the latter lay dying from a head wound as the result of an assassination attempt by one of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin's agents.

It was announced to the world that Trotsky had eventually died as a result of his wound.

But really he had been turned into a vampire by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and had changed his name to Lev Tomi.

Today Lev Tomi was the head of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change.

Hugo Chavez shook his head, "No, if I'm to die, I'm to die. I want nothing to do with vampires or vampiresses or anything strange. I still can't get over the image of U.S. President George W. Bush participating in a ceremony in the Roman catacombs where a baby was sacrificed to a giant Nephilim when both President Bush and I were in Rome for Pope John Paul II's funeral and I took a wrong turn on my tour of the catacombs and stumbled on to the ceremony. I was glad when I saw that, my family didn't have the money to send me to Yale University when I was younger. I might have ended up joining Skull and Bones and ended up participating in such a godless ceremony."

"I will follow your wishes, Comrade Presidente," the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec curtsied and left the hospital room.

Outside the hospital door, Lev Tomi asked, "Do you suppose he was serious when he said he saw George W. Bush participate in a ceremony where a baby was sacrificed to a giant Nephilim in the Roman catacombs? Or was he being delusional as a result of his illness?".

"I have no idea," the Aztec vampiress answered as she smoothed her evening dress, "maybe do a search on YouTube and see if a video of such an incident exists?".

She and Lev Tomi walked down the corridor oblivious to the fact that former Cuban President Fidel Castro had been sitting in a hospital chair outside the Venezuelan President's room and had likewise overheard the conversation.

Fidel who was dying to smoke a Cuban cigar in this non-smoking hospital decided not to die just yet.

He picked up his BlackBerry and started searching for any instance of such a tape of such an incident on YouTube.

If it was true, maybe he better give His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI a call and return to the Catholic Faith of his youth.

It was bad enough fighting the U.S. military-industrial complex giant.

He figured he'd need more than Marxist materialism to fight Nephilim giants if they existed.

To be continued.

Sailing Ship Among The Ghosts

On the Bay-

in the fog and mists

a lone sailing ship 

sails

among the ghosts.

Pale mist, rain

and cloud

the only natural

companions

on a sea of

supernatural

spectral

phantasms-

ghost ships of the

Great Canoes

of the Haida

sail again

The beat of the drum

The cry of the Haida braves

invoking

the great Thunderbird

-he whose image

is the top of

the mighty

Totem

The ships of Captain Cook

and Captain Vancouver

also sail again.

Ships that carried arms

to Dr. Sun Yat-sen 

and his great Revolution

in China

likewise sail on this Bay

heading westwards

in the direction of Asia.

On a day such as this-

brave is the sailing ship

with mortals aboard

that sails alone on the Bay-

for they'll find

that ghost boats of past ships

also sail their way.

-written by Christopher

 circa 1:55 PM Tuesday afternoon

 December 11th 2012

Coca-Cola And The Phoenix

Can of Coca-Cola served in a Vancouver Korean nightclub
on the can two snowflakes shaped like reindeer horns
but when you look at it from a certain angle
it forms the perfect shape of the Phoenix bird
that mythical bird of folklore
that is said to immolate itself
and then rise again from its own ashes.
Does Coke see the rise of a new Phoenix 
this Christmas 
that will teach the world to sing in perfect harmony?
What Phoenix is it that will rise from its own ashes
this Christmas season?
Bird of fire, bird of rebirth
what will you do on this earth?


-written by Christopher
9:15 PM Saturday evening
December 8th 2012

The Angry Sea

Waves crash

waves smash

wave upon wave

whitecaps rise

with defiant fist

"Seig Heil,

Hail Poseidon!"

Poseidon ruler

over a watery grave

Fuhrer of an

oceanic Reich

Stormy clouds

suddenly dissipate

and blue sky

suddenly appears

but it's a false light-

the Golden Dawn-

darkness posing 

as light-

Greece falls to

the gods of old

-and the sea rages

in celebration-

shaking of the 

trident

shaking of the

waves

-the ocean roars

from watery graves.

-written by Christopher

1:05 PM Friday afternoon

December 7th 2012

Ghost White Tree Against Dark Sky

Ghost white tree against dark sky

the dark dark clouds moved upon

English Bay

there to the north of the beach 

was a penthouse tower.

On the balcony of the penthouse

its owner had planted a tall tree

Tonight men stood on ladders

against the tree

putting up bright bright white lights.

A miss-step and they'd hit the ground

plunging to their deaths 

and become ghosts themselves.

When the lights were turned on

they were so bright

they cast a ghostly luminescence 

against the dark sky.

The leafless branches when lit with such

intense white light

looked like silvery serpents

climbing the tree against 

the darkened sky.

Further down south

on the beach

trees on Beach Avenue

are decorated with multi-coloured

Christmas lights

emitting a warmth and joy

with its bright and vast

array of colours-

various shades of red, green and blue.

These lights like Joseph's coat of many colours

seem to bid welcome to the Christ Child 

in this city.

This tree on the penthouse tower

from which I suppose one could metaphorically

imagine all the kingdoms of the world

from such a height-

this tree- devoid of leaves- devoid of life-

with its intense bright bright white lights

that shine like silvery serpents

climbing the tree against this darkened sky

seem to hold no welcome for the Christ Child.

It seems they welcome the Advent of Antichrist.

Who will this city welcome this Christmas?

Christ or Antichrist?

Who will the world welcome this Christmas?

Christ or Antichrist?

-written by Christopher

 9:32 PM Tuesday evening

 December 4th 2012

Renfield Comments On Prince William's and Kate Middleton's Baby

"Do you suppose Prince William and Kate Middleton would consider naming their baby after me?" Renfield asked Amadeus in all seriousness.

Amadeus spit out a mouthful of hot buttered popcorn all over the floor.

"I think Renfield would be a great name for the next heir to the throne,"  Renfield calmly sipped his cup of Earl Grey tea.

Amadeus was having a nervous breakdown as he was trying to pick up the pieces of hot buttered popcorn while guffawing at the same time.

"King Renfield,"  Renfield helped himself to a marmalade covered crumpet.

"What if the baby's a girl?" Amadeus put the kernels of popcorn back in his mouth one at a time.

"Queen Renfielda," Renfield poured himself more tea.

"Renfielda?" Amadeus inhaled a kernel of popcorn through his nose.

"Yes," Renfield nodded, "Renfield or Renfielda would be a great name for Prince William and Kate's child."

"Not bloody likely," Prince Philip the Duke of Edinburgh shouted in answer to a reporter's question on the TV news.

To be continued.

The Black Squirrel And The Drunken Sailboat

A black squirrel ran up the sidewalk

and up the tree.

A black squirrel?

I didn't know there was such an animal.

In Alberta, the only squirrels I saw 

were either red, gray or brown.

But walking a Vancouver street 

I encounter a black squirrel.

So I guess there are black squirrels.

Either that or this squirrel is 

the black sheep of the family.  :p

But I wonder...

would a black squirrel

ever sail the Black Pearl

with the mummy of a Pharaoh

and Captain Jack Sparrow?

-written by Christopher

 3:30 PM Monday afternoon

 December 3rd 2012

The Drunken Sailboat

I think I see a drunken sailboat

how I wonder does it keep afloat?

with its captain a gizzard

and its helmsman a goat.

-written by Christopher

 circa 2:30 PM Monday afternoon

 December 3rd 2012.

A Day That Shall Live In...?

"It was 208 years ago today that Napoleon Bonaparte had himself crowned Emperor of the French," Dracul Van Helsing noted.

"Thank you for sharing that," Hyung Grace Kwan tossed back her hair, "The evening wouldn't have been complete if you hadn't spoken that."

"You're welcome," Dracul poured himself some Napoleon brandy.

"I was being sarcastic," Hyung smoothed her evening dress.

"So was I,"  Dracul smiled at her, "Now will you be my Josephine to my Napoleon?".

                                     *      *       *

"December 2nd 2012,"  Renfield poured himself a glass of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum, "a day that shall live in history. The day I found Hades' Plunder. Boy did that pirate captain from the early 18th Century look pissed when I told him that I had beat him to his treasure.  I didn't know Michelangelo our Psychic Lobster could pick up thought processes from space/time wormholes. That's useful to know.  That could prove helpful in preventing Osiris' return to Earth."

"Can you get good worms out of those wormholes for fishing?" Amadeus asked as he ate his salmon burger.

"It's a different type of wormhole," Renfield replied as he took some worm medicine to get rid of his pinworms. The constant itching in his rear end had kept him awake all night last night.

"Did that pirate try to kill you?" Amadeus finished his salmon burger and reached for his potato chips.

"He did," Renfield admitted, "so I tasered him. Then I managed to calm him down by announcing he could land himself an important job if he became my ally."

"What important job was that?" Amadeus reached for the salsa dip.

"Well apparently at last week's meeting of the UN Security Council," Renfield ate his Manhattan corned beef sandwich, "it was decided behind closed doors to name a United Nations Secretary For the Oceans.  They decided in secret who'd get that job and one of the United Nations Deputy Assistant Secretary-Generals was to be in Vancouver today (because the UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon himself was too busy learning how to do the Gangnam Style dance from South Korean pop singer Psy) to make the announcement at today's Santa Claus Parade in the City. So I swiped the envelope with the individual's name that was decided by the Security Council and inserted into the UN Deputy Assistant Secretary-General's hand an envelope containing the name of the early 18th Century pirate Captain although I did change his name somewhat so as not to arouse suspicions."

"Did you get a candy cane from Santa Claus for me?" Amadeus finished his last potato chip.

"I knew you were going to ask me that," Renfield sighed as he handed Amadeus a candy cane.

Amadeus unwrapped the candy cane, "So a pirate is now the UN's Secretary For the Oceans?".

"That's right," Renfield nodded.

On BC Global TV's News, the UN Deputy Assistant Secretary-General could be seen sitting on Santa's lap as he made the announcement. Behind him, one could see Renfield sitting on the lap of one of Santa's short skirted red mini dress female little helpers.

Both men seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely.

"And the new position of UN Secretary For The Oceans," the Deputy Assistant Secretary-General of the United Nations belched through his Irish whisky, "is none other than Mr. Baird Black."

"Baird Black?" Amadeus looked quizzical as he licked his candy cane.

"Blackbeard originally," Renfield answered as he started to shave.

To be continued.

The Pirate Who Went To Hell And Back

"I can't believe you did it, Captain,"  the pirate said to his Captain.

"Yes, " the Captain smiled, "I've been to Hell and back. And I've taken Hades' plunder."

The pirate crew buried the chest.

"When will we come back for this, Captain?" the crew asked.

"It will be a while," the Captain smiled.

As the crew approached the beach, one of the pirates shouted, "By Hades' beard, it's the Royal Navy."

"Who the Hell alerted the Royal Navy of our whereabouts," the pirate lieutenant shouted, "Captain, who do you suppose..."

He looked around but the Captain was gone.

On one of the high-hills overlooking the beach, the Captain said, "I'm afraid it was me, me laddies. I don't intend to share my treasure."

He drank a bottle of rum as the Royal Navy mowed down his mates with their muskets.

The pirate captain walked over to where the big rock was, "Well, I certainly hope the calculations in this book are correct and the space-time wormhole will open up over here."

He walked to the spot.

"Year 2012, here I come," the pirate captain said, "Boy, I'm starting to feel hungry. I hope they still know how to cook a good lobster in 300 years' time."

                                                     *         *         *

Michelangelo the genetically created Psychic Lobster screamed inside his tank in the Set Enterprises Laboratory near London, England.

The technician looked at the computer screen whose cable cord was attached to Michelangelo's antenna.

What Michelangelo was seeing in his mind could be viewed on the computer screen.

The technician picked up the phone to call a number in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, "The Boss' chief Intelligence operative Renfield is going to have to hear about this."

To be continued.

Dark Ocean

Dark ocean

dark night 

dark ship

dark pirate.

Black like the river Styx

the ocean moves

dark waves crash 

the pirate laughs.

Skull and crossbones flag rises

ship sails into the dark abyss.

-written 9:00 PM

 Friday night

 November 30th 2012

The Renfield Chainsaw Massacre

Renfield was waiting in a phone store to get his iPhone activated to a new service.

He was next in line but there was a stupid old bat senior citizen in front of him who kept asking the clerk annoying questions.

"I want my old pic on my phone back," she said, "I pushed a button and it went missing."

Then she said, "I want my old ring tone back. I lost the music when I pushed a button I didn't want to push."

Then she asked, "How do I listen to my messages? How do I delete my messages? I've got hundreds of messages? What do I do with them?".

Finally Renfield had had enough.

He pulled out his gun and shot the old bat dead.

"You stupid old fool," he growled as he put his gun away, "if you're too stupid and senile to upgrade to modern technology, then don't upgrade. You're making life miserable for the rest of us, you stupid old bat."

Renfield received a standing ovation (namely because they were already standing) from the customers behind him.

"This man should be drafted to become Canada's next Prime Minister," someone suggested.

The crowd agreed and cheered.

Renfield got his phone activated and then thanked the crowd saying he'd think about their draft.

He then decided to put on his Jason Friday the 13th hockey mask and his Freddy Krueger Nightmare on Elm Street clawed glove and grab his Texas-bought chainsaw and went down to the beach and dismembered a few people to pass the time.

Priyanka the mermaid watched in horror.

She said to Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius, "I hope Osiris puts a stop to Renfield when he returns to Earth."

Dr. Celsius answered, "I hope so too."

Then Renfield's laugh could be heard along the beach, "When Osiris returns, I shall dismember him like the Boss (Renfield's boss was the ancient Egyptian vampire Set who was Osiris' brother) did millenia ago."


To be continued.

Lost In Translation, Clueless In Seattle

Renfield came barging through the door of the hotel room, threw an I Love Seattle t-shirt in Amadeus' direction and then sat down on the sofa and went "Harrumph."

"I take it that it did not go well," Amadeus removed his sweater to try on the t-shirt, "seeing as how I watched CNN News all day and there was nothing about a Zombie Turkey Apocalypse taking place."

"It did not," Renfield swallowed a bunch of whisky from the bottle in his coat pocket,  "Sterling used an English translation of a Hecate mystery cult spell that was originally written in ancient Greek. But instead of translating Hecate (the name of the ancient Greek goddess of witchcraft), the translator translated Socrates' name for Hecate. So Sterling kept invoking Socrates' name while reciting the spell and apparently Socrates is totally uninterested in raising turkeys from the dead. So it didn't work."

"Well, the trip wasn't a total waste," Amadeus put on the I Love Seattle t-shirt and smiled, "at least the t-shirt fits."  

To be continued.

Zombie Turkey Apocalypse

"So I'll be taking a Russian submarine down to Seattle, Washington this evening," Renfield R. Renfield put his Russian-English Dictionary into his coat pocket.

"What for?" Amadeus was watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving on television.

"To get back at the Americans for deporting me last weekend," Renfield swallowed some whisky, "The Russians have hired South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo to go to the top of the Seattle Space Needle and to cast a spell to raise all the turkeys (who have been eaten this Thanksgiving Day) to rise from the dead and kill their eaters. Tomorrow millions of Americans when they wake up will find themselves dead."

"If they're dead, how will they be able to wake up?" Amadeus asked.

Renfield ignored the question.

"What angered Putin so much that he's hired a witch doctor to do this?" Amadeus asked another question.

"It's apparently an American billionaire that's been providing the anti-Putin Russian girls' punk rock group Pussy Riot with so much financial support," Renfield counted his rubles, "so this is Putin's way of getting back at him. I'm to stand on top of the Space Needle and help Makabo recite his spell."

"Can you buy me an I Love Seattle t-shirt while you're down there?" Amadeus ate some popcorn.

"All right," Renfield shut the door and hurried from the room down the stairs into the lobby and out the hotel door into the Vancouver night.


To be continued.

ET Won't Be Phoning Home.

The coroner and the paramedic examined the body that had washed up on the beach.

"Is that what I think it is?" the paramedic asked.

"If you think the body is of what they call in ET extraterrestrial X-Files style folklore- a gray," the coroner replied, "then you'd be correct."

"How did it wash up on the beach here?" the paramedic scratched his head.

"His spaceship crashed in the ocean maybe," the coroner shrugged.

At that moment, a boat containing U.S. Navy SEALS landed on the beach.

"We'll take that body," said the commander of the SEALS unit.

"Go ahead," said the coroner not wanting to argue with a group of armed men.

"But this is Canadian soil," the paramedic grumbled to the coroner after the SEALS spirited away the body of the gray.

"Yes," the coroner admitted, "but another country's territory has never bothered America before. They just go and take what they can."

"Do you suppose that was an extraterrestrial Osama bin Laden?" the paramedic asked.

"Damn, did those SEALS beat me to the body of another gray?" Renfield asked in a cursing fashion as he arrived on the scene.


To be continued.

Renfield Back To Normal Self

When Renfield was deported from the U.S. back to Canada and thus was unable to complete his mission of sleeping with both Gen. David Petraeus' biographer Paula Broadwell and Florida socialite Jill Kelley (a good friend of Gen. John Allen), the psychopathic genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human was feeling a little down and depressed.

But by today, he was back to his normal self.

His spirits started to lift last night when he shot dead a blind woman who made the mistake of accidently bumping into him on the street.

Then today he sold a whole bunch of property he didn't own on Vancouver Island to a couple of unsuspecting gullible people for a cool $2 million.

He then shot a porn movie with a group of female exotic dancers in the studio of a Vancouver nightclub.

Now he was back in his hotel room listening to Amadeus play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony on a very good toy piano when his iPhone rang.

"Hello?" Renfield answered.

"Rennie old boy," the caller was the President of Russia and the black belt karate champion whose last name was Putin, "it's your old friend Vladimir here. How would you like to get back at the U.S.A. for deporting you?".

"Oh boy, would I," Renfield had an orgasm of delight right on the spot, "tell me what you've got in mind?".

Amadeus stopped playing Beethoven's Ninth and picked up the hotel phone, "Hello, front desk? I think the sofa in this room requires instant steam cleaning."


To be continued.

Night At The Museum British Style

Wilfrid was a security guard at the British Museum.

Tonight Wilfrid was working in the Syrian Antiquities Room of the Museum.

Unfortunately the night before (during one of his rare nights off) he had made the mistake of watching with his eight-year-old nephew Richard the 2006 movie Night At The Museum that starred Ben Stiller and Carla Gugino.

Now as a result he was imagining all sorts of voices and noises and goings on here in the Syrian Antiquities Room.

As he looked at the bust of the Syrian-Greek King Antiochus Epiphanes (who ruled as King Antiochus IV of Syria from 175 BC to 164 BC), he heard a noise behind him.

He whisked around and saw a ghostly figure who looked very much like Antiochus Epiphanes had been standing behind him.

"I am the spirit of Antiochus Epiphanes," the spectre spoke, "the ruler of the Abyss has granted me permission to leave the Abyss for a while and roam the Earth."

"Antiochus Epiphanes," said the Oxford educated security guard, "your name Epiphanes meaning God manifest. Many Bible scholars consider you a prototype of the Antichrist since the Abomination of Desolation you ordered in the Temple of Jerusalem when a statue of Zeus was erected in the spot of the Holy of Holies and a pig was sacrificed to Zeus there."

"I had my moments," Antiochus laughed, "and now I'll have my moments again. Since my spirit and the fallen angel who was my demonic mentor have returned up to the Earth's surface."

"I don't know what you mean," said Wilfrid.

"Tune in to BBC News on your iPhone," Antiochus suggested.

Wilfrid did so.

Rioting in Greece.

More barbarities and atrocities going on in the Syrian civil war.

Increasing bloodshed between Israel and Palestine.

The possibility of all out war throughout the region of the Middle East.

"See," Antiochus laughed, "I told you my time has come."


To be continued.

Incident On Washington State/British Columbia Border

"Hello, Amadeus," the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was phoning his employee from London, England, "I'd like to speak to Renfield."

"Renfield isn't here at the moment," Amadeus combed his hair in front of a mirror in his Vancouver hotel room, "he's been arrested at U.S. Customs on the British Columbia/Washington state border and charged with distributing pornography to U.S. government officials."

"I heard he had inadvertently emailed a photo of himself topless to the new General Secetary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping," Set spoke, "but how is that distributing pornography to U.S. government officials?".

"It turns out that instead of emailing those topless photos of himself to Jill Kelley and Paula Broadwell," Amadeus opened his hotel room window, "he hit the wrong button on his iPhone twice. One topless photo he sent to the private email address of Xi Jinping and the other photo of himself topless he inadverently sent to the private email address of U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton."

On the TV in Amadeus' hotel room, a shocked looking former U.S. President Bill Clinton was sitting at a desk being interviewed by CNN's Piers Morgan.

Whined Clinton, "It was always in the back of my mind that Hillary might want to get back at me for Monica but I never thought she'd sink this low..."

On the screen behind Piers Morgan and Bill Clinton was displayed a large photo of a topless looking Renfield R. Renfield.


To be continued.

Why China's New Leader Xi Jinping Is Ticked With Renfield

"So have you figured out how to woo both Paula Broadwell and Jill Kelley?" Amadeus asked as he choked on his hot chocolate.

"Well I heard on CNN last night that a FBI agent on the case once sent a photo of himself topless to Jill Kelley, " Renfield grinned, "so I've just emailed photos of myself topless to both Paula Broadwell and Jill Kelley." He pushed a button on his iPhone.

Amadeus looked over his shoulder, "Are you sure you emailed the correct addresses?".

"Of course I did," Renfield harrumphed, "to the private email addresses of both women... oops!... I inadvertently sent one to the private email address of Xi Jinping the new General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party by mistake...."


* * *


Minutes later Renfield broke out into a cold sweat, "I just read on Xi Jinping's Twitter feed that he's ordered the Chinese Secret Service to bump me off..."

"Well," Amadeus ate his egg roll, "I'd be sure to watch how much monosodium glutamate is put on your food when you order in Chinese restaurants in the future."



To be continued.