Thursday, February 28, 2013

Renfield And Old Spice


Renfield R. Renfield was in Long Beach, California holding auditions for a porno movie he was making at the porno film studios he owned there.

When Renfield had finished interviewing and breaking in the actresses, he sighed as it now came time to audition the actors.

One man who claimed to be a leading Spanish Malaysian male fashion model and who was dressed in the costume of a reckless eagle was immediately laughed at by Renfield.

"Get out of here," Renfield chuckled, "I've seen larger and better working equipment on men who worked as guards in the Sultan's harem."

"I just got an email from Athelstan," Amadeus Emanon said in reference to their boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's butler and valet, "he asks if you've seen the latest Old Spice commercial."

"I have," Renfield smiled, "Love it."

"What's the meaning of this cryptic email?" Amadeus asked as he ate a candied jellied figure of James Bond.

"Well, the Boss asked me to vet a politician for him who could probably serve as his political puppet as the Boss works to establish a One World Government under his control," Renfield explained, "and I suggested far Left British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley from Wales.  Petley is a werewolf who hasn't yet brought his lycanthropy out of the closet and thus makes him highly susceptible to blackmail. Heh! Heh! Heh!".


"But what's Magog Rhys Petley got to do with this Old Spice commercial?" Amadeus checked the price of tea in China on the stock market page.

"Well, I thought it might be psychologically useful to condition the masses of the world to accept Magog Rhys Petley as their Saviour," Renfield grinned, "and since Old Spice commercials seem to be so immensely popular, I had our resident mad scientist at Set Enterprises Laboratories Dr. Cadbury Rocher get our genetically created psychic lobster Michelangelo to infiltrate the dreams of the advertising writer who was going to write the next Old Spice commercial. And I had this image of the wolf's head/human hybrid embedded in this writer's dream and thus in the commercial to condition television viewing audiences into accepting wolfman Magog Rhys Petley as their Saviour."

"That's positively brilliant," Amadeus opened up a package containing a low-energy but highly luminescent lightbulb.

"I know," Renfield sat back and grinned.




Wednesday, February 27, 2013

From Dorian Gray To Magog Rhys Petley- Portraits Painted


Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley looked out his apartment window and pondered the letter sent to him a few weeks ago.

It was from the billionaire President of Set Research And Development Corporation- a mysterious individual known only as Set.

Rumour had it that he was a vampire.

At one time Magog Rhys Petley would not have believed in vampires.

But ever since he got turned into a werewolf, his mental horizons had broadened somewhat.

Set was requesting a meeting.

Hm, Magog thought to himself, what would a billionaire want with him a far Left-wing member of the Labour Party caucus in the British Parliament?

He still hadn't made up his mind whether he'd agree to the meeting with this mysterious billionaire.

On the other hand, there was something he had agreed to just today.

His neighbour Constance Elleroy, an eccentric artist, had for years wanted to paint his portrait.

Constance, who often painted using classical themes, had for years pointed out that most statues and paintings of the Greek god Apollo had always painted him as being beardless.

She was going to paint a bearded Apollo.

And she always thought Magog Rhys Petley fit perfectly her idea of what a bearded Apollo should look like.

Finally this morning Magog had given in and agreed to the request.

This afternoon he would be going next door to her apartment/studio to begin the process of posing.

Magog looked at his watch.

Well he supposed he better be heading over there.

He turned off the TV just as BBC News showed Pope Benedict XVI giving his final Apostolic blessing to the City (of Rome) and the World.

Magog Rhys Petley had never thought of himself as a bearded Apollo but he'd give it a shot.

To be continued.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Cardinal's Secretary


The Cardinal woke up the next morning and headed to his office.

He was still thinking about his conversation with the ancient Greek god Zeus the night before.

The Cardinal was known to others by his initials JM.

Although those initials didn't stand for what people thought they did.

For Cardinal JM was a member of a secret society.

And his moniker in that secret society was Judas Manasseh.

Judas from Judas Iscariot.

And Manasseh from an ancient king of Judah who reigned from 687-643 BC and who restored polytheistic worship into the Temple in Jerusalem and built altars to pagan gods.

As he entered his office, his secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe was waiting for him.

Father Wardenclyffe handed the Cardinal documents relating to the most pressing matters of the day and then left the office.

The Cardinal's secretary Father Wardenclyffe had been an Episcopalian priest in Long Island, New York for most of his life.

Ironically it was in 2005 the same year that John Paul II had died and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger had been elected Pope Benedict XVI that Father Wardenclyffe had left the U.S. Episcopal Church and had joined the Roman Catholic Church studying to become a Catholic priest.

Father Wardenclyffe had gone to Rome for his priestly studies where he met Cardinal JM.

Cardinal JM had taught a course on the astronomical theories of Giordano Bruno (who had been burnt at the stake as a heretic by the Church back in 1600) which was an option at the seminary where Father Wardenclyffe had studied.

When Father Wardenclyffe was ordained a Catholic priest in 2009, the Cardinal invited him to be his secretary.

Ironically 2009- the same year that Father Wardenclyffe had been ordained a Roman Catholic priest- was the same year that Pope Benedict XVI issued his Apostolic Constitution Anglicanorum Coetibus  inviting groups of Anglicans to enter Personal Ordinariates in full communion with the Bishop of Rome.

Father Wardenclyffe was actually quite upset by Benedict's issuing of that document.

"Those enemies of progress that the Pope has invited to enter the Church hold on to such unworthy pieces of antediluvian trash such as the Book of Common Prayer and the King James Bible," Father Wardenclyffe snivelled.

The Book of Common Prayer and the King James Bible were never read or said aloud in the services Father Wardenclyffe had held in his Episcopal Church on Long Island, New York.

Cardinal JM smiled as he reflected on this.

He went to his desk and started phoning his fellow Cardinals to push them to vote for the papabile of his choice- the man who as Pope would abandon Christ and re-embrace the ancient pagan gods of old.

Meanwhile Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe went to his personal chapel where he prayed in front of a statue of Hecate the ancient Greek goddess of witchcraft.


To be continued.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Zeus And The Cardinal


The Cardinal lay in bed but he wasn't able to get to sleep.

He lay in bed thinking about who should be the next Pope.

He was glad that old fuddy duddy Pope Benedict XVI was resigning.

All his talk about God, Christ, Mary and the Saints.

So out of touch with the 21st Century modern world.

And of course the 21st Century modern world would be the ancient world reborn.

A gust of wind blew through his open window.

His entire room became arrayed by a bright glow of light.

And the being inside the bright array of light was none other than the ancient Greek god Zeus.

Zeus had been visiting the Cardinal on and off since he had been a small boy.

"You know who you have to choose as the next Pope," Zeus instructed him, "the Pope who will announce and proclaim that my son Apollo is the true Saviour of the World not the individual known to history as Jesus of Nazareth."

"I understand O great Zeus, my Lord and my God," the Cardinal bowed his head to the ancient Greek deity.

To be continued.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

London 1888


Jack was nimble
Jack was quick
Jack snuffed out life's candlestick
he cut like a knife
no one's wife
but women of the night
he left a grisly sight
the streets of London were his killing fields
to death's sharp edge some one yields 
and the Ripper ripped
while aristocrats sipped
from glasses of champagne
and Jack achieved immortal fame.


-A poem about the world's first
 vastly publicized serial killer
 Jack the Ripper
 who terrorized the streets of London
 in 1888.

-written by Christopher 
 Monday February 11th 2013.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Signs In The Sky





"All sorts of signs in the sky this past week," Dracul Van Helsing stared out the window.

"Was that something else your dad mentioned to you in your disturbing dream?" Hyung Grace Kwan asked.

"Yes, he said in the week of Pope Benedict XVI's resignation due to his failing health (which then occurred immediately the day after my dream), there would appear all sorts of signs in the sky," Dracul said, "I thought he was talking about UFOs given what he talked about later but he didn't say UFOs, he just said signs in the sky.  And the day of the Pope's resignation, we have lightning strike Saint Peter's Dome... twice. Then today we have Asteroid 2012 D 14 passing over the Earth in a record breaking Earth pass. And on the same day, we have a meteor hitting Central Russia injuring almost 1000 people."


"Didn't the Blessed Virgin Mary say something about Russia in her messages to the 3 shepherd children at Fatima?" Hyung asked.

"Yes, she said Russia would spread her errors throughout the world," Dracul nodded, "and most people thought this was just referring to Communism. Communism was certainly one of Russia's errors and it did spread throughout the world covering almost half the globe at one point in history but since the Fall of the Berlin Wall, Communism has been in retreat throughout the globe. And it was always my personal opinion that the New Age Movement is another one of Russia's errors that has spread throughout the world. Most people forget that Helena Petrovna Blavatsky the founder of Theosophy (and the woman who's considered the founder of what has come to be called the New Age Movement) was Russian. And the New Age Movement is still spreading across the globe (with no signs of retreat) especially thanks to one woman called Oprah Winfrey who I always used to jokingly refer to as the Anti-John the Baptist preceding the Antichrist but given what my dad said in my dream, it may not be so much of a joke anymore."

"You think that the New Age Movement founded by Helena Petrovna Blavatsky is one of Russia's errors that the Blessed Virgin Mary was warning about at Fatima?",
Hyung asked.

"Yes, given what my dad said the AntiPope False Prophet would say when he proclaims as Christ the individual who is actually the Antichrist," Dracul noted, "the Antipope will say that this coming Saviour of the World is actually the embodiment of the Christ Consciousness for this age in the same way that Jesus of Nazareth was the embodiment of the Christ Consciousness for the age that is now passing away.  The term Christ Consciousness has always been a term used by many New Age groups. The AntiPope False Prophet will say that Christ is a consciousness not an individual person.  As the Apostle Saint John put it in his Epistle 1 John 2:22, 'Who is a liar but he that denieth that Jesus is the Christ?  He is antichrist that denieth the Father and the Son.'   Which is interesting because this same AntiPope False Prophet will deny the Trinity and the Incarnate Deity of Jesus Christ."

"Is there just an Antipope to come or will there be a true Pope as well?" Hyung asked.

"Well if what my dad said in the dream is really true and prophetic, there will be both a true Pope and an Antipope," Dracul answered, "at the next Conclave the College of Cardinals will be hopelessly split into differing factions and one faction will elect one man Pope and the other faction will elect another man Pope. Now whether this will occur all at once at the next Conclave or whether the losing faction at the next Conclave will decide a few weeks or a few months later that they will hold a Conclave of their own and elect another man Pope, my dad didn't specify. But it's interesting that some interpretations of the text of the Third Secret of Fatima did say that "bishop will be against bishop and cardinal will be against cardinal" as if there is some sort of civil war being fought in the Church. And it's interesting that one BBC news analyst and commentator said that Pope Benedict XVI seems to be a King Lear style figure.  An interesting choice of words because civil war does break out in the land after King Lear abdicates.  And Pope Benedict XVI in his last homily at his last public Mass this past Ash Wednesday did issue a plea for an end to infighting among clerics in the Church.  He said that the face of the Church has been marred by divisions and rivalry among the clergy. As if the Pope himself realizes what will happen if there isn't unity and charity among the bishops and Cardinals."

"Wow, so how will we know which man is the true Pope and which man is the Antipope False Prophet?" Hyung inquired.

"Well, my dad did say before the AntiPope False Prophet makes his public blasphemy against the Trinity and the Incarnate Deity of Christ, it will be the man claiming to be Pope, that is the papal claimant most admired and approved of by the vast majority of political leaders of the Western world, who will be the AntiPope and False Prophet," Dracul replied.

"Well, given the types of people who are the political leaders of the Western world, that really comes as no surprise," Hyung remarked.

To be continued.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Ash Wednesday and The Festival of the Lupercalia


The date February 13th 2013.

As Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his last public Mass on this year's Ash Wednesday, Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was also in Rome marking the 2-day start of the old pagan Roman Festival of the Lupercalia.

He read someone was reviving the Festival this year and decided to try it.

He ran through the streets of Rome totally naked except for a girdle of goatskin (he found it a bit nippy at this time of year).

As he ran through the streets of Rome, his newly found girlfriend Lepardia Marango (cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London) wearing a goatskin sweater, black leather micro mini skirt, black silk fishnet nylons and black spiked dominatrix boots whipped him on the backside.

A photographer for one of London's tabloid newspapers snapped a picture.

And so that was how Wednesday February 13th 2013 was marked in Rome.

The last public Mass of Pope Benedict XVI's Petrine Ministry marked Ash Wednesday.

And Magog Rhys Petley celebrated the start of the Lupercalia by running through the streets naked and getting whipped on his buttocks.

As that old Age of Aquarius song Desiderata from the 1960s would have put it, "No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should..."

To be continued.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Lightning Strikes Saint Peter's Dome


"Did you see that photo of the lightning strike on Saint Peter's Dome on the evening of the day that the Pope announced his impending resignation?" Hyung Grace Kwan asked Dracul Van Helsing.

"I did," Dracul answered, "and I read a BBC News Story about that. Apparently so far two photographers are known to have captured a photo of that lightning strike. And the circumstances are even more unusual. It's apparently rare to capture a photo of a lightning strike anywhere unless you just happened to take a photo of something right at the moment when the lightning strikes it or you've got your camera on time exposure and it captures several different periods of time and you're just lucky enough to have had a lightning strike occur during that time when your camera is on time exposure..."

"Really?" Hyung found this interesting.

"And apparently a lightning bolt struck Saint Peter's Dome and two photographers noticed it but hadn't taken a photo at that time or had their cameras on time exposure. So after this first lightning strike, both men put their cameras then on time exposure just on the off chance that there might be another lightning strike even though it's very rare for lightning to strike twice in the same place.  And what happened then was there was a second lightning bolt that struck Saint Peter's Dome and both men caught it with time exposure on their cameras.  As if Someone above did want the world to see photographic evidence of a lightning bolt strike Saint Peter's Dome in the wake of Pope Benedict XVI announcing his resignation from the Papacy," Dracul explained.

"Wow," Hyung said.


                                             *      *      *



"So the Pope is resigning?" the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set said as he sipped his tomato juice and human blood cocktail at the breakfast table.

"That appears to be the case, sir," Athelstan his valet and butler replied.

"Do you happen to know if I've got any of the Cardinal-Electors under my control?"
Set asked.

"I don't believe you do, sir," was Athelstan's response.

"Damn," Set scratched the table with his super-long razor sharp fingernails, "how about my sister Isis who's fighting me for world domination? Does she have any of the Cardinal-Electors under her control?".

"It's my understanding that she has a few, sir," Athelstan replied, "not many but a few. A few Cardinals do seem to be infatuated with your brother Osiris who's Isis' husband and also the being believed to be the Grand Architect of the Universe in the upper levels of Freemasonry."

"That Osiris gets all the breaks," Set seethed, "including Isis' hand in marriage because Isis chose him instead of me.  And to think that lovely pussy of hers could have been mine."

"To which of Isis' cats are you referring, sir?" Athelstan asked.

"Athelstan, I think you've been hanging around Amadeus too long with that naive idiotic question you just asked," Set spit out his tomato juice and human blood cocktail all over his pants.

"I take it your trousers will probably need washing when breakfast is over, sir?" Athelstan inquired.

"In all likelihood, yes, Athelstan," as the orange coloured marmalade and red strawberry jam took a flying nose dive off Set's piece of toast, "how about the rest of the Cardinal-Electors? Whose control would they be under?".

"They're supposed to be under the control of Christ and the Holy Spirit, sir," was Athelstan's answer.

"Christ," Set spit out the name and the rest of his toast simultaneously, "isn't He the guy that rose from the dead just outside Jerusalem 2000 years ago?".

"That's correct, sir," Athelstan nodded.

"Strange," Set started picking his nose with one of his razor sharp fingernails which started an instant nosebleed all over the ancient vampiric billionaire's already beleagured trousers,  "He rose from the dead and yet He was neither vampire nor zombie.  That's something that never happened before. How did He do it?".

"One of the great mysteries of history, sir," was Athelstan's answer.

To be continued.



Monday, February 11, 2013

A Most Disturbing Dream


The following vampire novel chapter is written with the following preamble to it. I have never written a preamble to one of my vampire novel chapters before and hope not to do so again in the future.

Preamble:  One of my favourite writers is the Jesuit priest Malachi Martin. It was reading his book The Keys of This Blood as a kid that got me interested in the field of Geopolitics and International Relations in which I once lectured and wrote articles about.

Malachi Martin wrote non-fiction, fiction and a literary genre of his own making that he called "Faction".

What Faction was was a novel that was for the most part fictional but contained allusions to real actual events that occurred but those events were of such a shocking nature that Father Martin decided to put references to those events within a fictional context.


Having been highly disturbed by events that have transpired the past 24 hours, those of you who read this preamble can make of it what you will as you read the following vampire novel chapter.


A Most Disturbing Dream
-vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Monday February 11th 2013
 The Feast Day of Our Lady of Lourdes


South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan walked along the beach towards her friend the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

Dracul hadn't told her much when he had called her on his cell phone but from his voice, she could tell that the vampire hunter was in a greatly agitated state.

As she approached, she noticed that his face seemed to be totally drained of colour.

In the 2 and a half years since Dracul's father had died of cancer, he had been through several rough patches but even the look on his face now- this seemed to be different,

"Dracul," Hyung greeted him.

"I had a dream about my father last night," Dracul said.

Dracul hadn't dreamed much about his dad since he died but those dreams he had, he was grateful for.

But whatever dream he must have had last night seemed to bother him greatly.

"What happened in the dream?" she asked gently.

"I was in my dad's house," Dracul said, "the house was totally empty, devoid of all possessions and when I entered the kitchen, my dad was standing there and he said, 'Christopher, I have something important to tell you'."

"Go on," Hyung encouraged him.

"You know it's mentioned in the Old Testament how in the last days people shall dream dreams and have visions but at the same time the great mid-20th Century Evangelical Christian apologist Dr. Walter Martin pointed out on his collection of audio tapes (my dad had the entire collection) how most cult leaders seemed to start out by deviating away from Scripture and using their own personal dreams and so-called visions to promote their own personal religion of their own making,"
Dracul said, "so I was never one to be guided by my own dreams and I never had a vision. I always just followed what the Bible said and paid attention to the Deposit of Faith that the Church has continuously proclaimed since the time of Christ."

Dracul then started talking about his dad.

How his dad had been raised in the United Church of Canada but how he had converted to Anglicanism in his mid-20s and then shortly before his dad died of cancer, both he and his father had converted to the Roman Catholic Church.

What had changed his dad's thinking was the apparition and visions of Our Lady of Fatima.

It is said that the Blessed Virgin Mary had appeared to 3 shepherd children at the village of Fatima, Portugal back in 1917 for 6 months between May 13th and October 13th 1917.

For years, his father had been the strongest sceptic against the story of Our Lady of Fatima.

He remembered once as a kid how his dad had spent an hour and a half at the dinner table forcibly debunking what he called "the ludicrousness of the so-called Miracle of Fatima".


What eventually gradually changed his dad's thinking was interestingly enough when his dad started researching for a 3-volume History of Western Canada he would begin writing when he retired.

His dad had completed the first volume and had finished handwriting the second volume and was halfway through typing up the second volume when he was stricken by cancer and died back in 2010.

But while he was in the stages of just plain research for writing the history trilogy, his dad had come across an interesting article in a magazine once published in the Canadian province of Alberta called the Alberta Historical Review.

The article had dealt with how a little known miracle of the sun occurred at the town of Hanna, Alberta, Canada back in 1920.

A Fatima villager who had seen the original Miracle of the Sun involving the Blessed Virgin Mary at Fatima, Portugal back on October 13th 1917 (in which the sun seemed to dance in the sky and appeared to be crashing towards the Earth- this was witnessed by over 80,000 people) had moved to the town of Hanna, Alberta in 1919 a few months after the end of the First World War.

The man and his family had through the course of living in the town mentioned to their neighbours that they had seen the event take place.

Finally one day at a town picnic, a rabid anti-Catholic atheist who lived in the town stood up at the picnic and told the man, "You're a damn liar. What you said happened never happened. And if what you say is true and if there really is a God, I challenge Him to perform His own Miracle of the Sun over Hanna itself in exactly one week's time."

The Chinese have an old saying- Be careful what you wish for.

For according to the Alberta Historical Review article, such a miracle happened exactly one week later.

The sun did a dance in the sky and then turned into what appeared to be a shining Eucharistic host with the name Jesus emblazoned on it right over the town of Hanna itself.

Well, this was too much for Dracul's dad who was the ultimate Fatima sceptic.

He went down to the Alberta Provincial Archives and went through copies of the local papers from Hanna and nearby towns at the time the miracle was said to have taken place.

To his shock, the papers mentioned the story.

The miracle of the sun seemed to have been witnessed by various people within a 70 mile vicinity of the town of Hanna.

The Eucharistic host with the name of Jesus on it was even seen over the town of Drumheller, Alberta itself (where Dracul was born).

His dad made notes on the story but never mentioned the subject of Fatima again until the last year of his life.

In 2009, his dad started reading books on Fatima for some reason.

He'd talk about the fact of how over 80,000 people had seen the event take place at Fatima, Portugal.

It was even witnessed in a town 40 miles away where the atheistic Masonic editor of the town's newspaper had even witnessed it.

Dracul's dad in his reading became convinced that there was even more to the so-called Third Secret of Fatima (which was supposed to be released in the year 1960 but wasn't) than the text of the vision that was finally released by the Vatican back on June 26th 2000.

In the vision released on that date, a bishop in white is walking through a city half in ruins when he was shot at by bullets and arrows and fell to the ground dead.

The Vatican explained that this was a prophecy of the assassination attempt on the life of Pope John Paul II back on May 13th 1981.

Many secular newspapers including The Los Angeles Times balked at this analysis.

Dracul's dad had pointed out that in the two previous visions with accompanying secrets that the Virgin Mary had shown the three shepherd children, Mary had provided vocal commentary as to what it was that the children were seeing.

Yet in this vision- the Third Secret- that was released back on June 26th 2000, no commentary spoken by Mary is provided- although there was spoken commentary by Mary that accompanied the two other visions that the Fatima shepherd children had.

The only commentary provided was by that of the Vatican panel itself at the June 26th 2000 press conference who said that the image of the bishop in white falling to the ground dead was a reference to the gun shots fired at Pope John Paul II (who did not die as a result of those gun shots).

Secular Italian journalist Antonio Socci in his book The Fourth Secret of Fatima noted the discrepancy between the first Two Secrets of Fatima and the release of the Third Secret in that the first Two secrets when released included vocal commentary spoken by the Blessed Virgin Mary while the Third Secret when it was released did not.

As Dracul spent time in hospital with his dad the last month of his dad's life as he was dying of cancer, his dad would suddenly start talking about the Third Secret of Fatima and just at that moment, Dracul's ride would arrive in the hospital room to drive Dracul back home again.

Dracul would try broaching the subject again with his dad the next time but his father did not talk of it until he brought it up himself.

And invariably Dracul's ride would show up just as his dad would start talking about the subject.

After his dad's death, Dracul would spend some time on his own trying to research and determine if there could have been a commentary spoken by Mary that accompanied the vision of the Third Secret.

But nothing concrete.

Then last night's dream.

Dracul had been flipping through the TV channels just before going to bed and stumbled upon Kenneth Branaugh's 1996 film Hamlet.

The scene was of Hamlet deciding not to kill his Uncle King Claudius as Claudius prayed in the chapel.

Dracul turned the TV off as he was feeling tired.

Actually Dracul's favourite scene in that play was when Hamlet encountered the ghost of his father the late King Hamlet.

The next morning after waking up from the disturbing dream, he determined that it was his thinking upon that scene which produced the dream with the disturbing message.

"What was the dream?" Hyung asked Dracul.

"Well, my dad said to me, 'Christopher, I'm going to explain to you what I never got the chance to say in hospital because we kept getting interrupted. I'm not going to give you the actual words of Our Lady but this is what Our Lady was referring to. She prophesied that this scenario would unfold and now this is how it would all begin..."

Dracul woke up extremely shaken.

But he said to himself, it's just a dream.

Still something about that dream.

Something different.

And those words of his dad.

They felt so real.

As if his dad in Heaven actually wanted him to know them.

He didn't think much of them again.

He went to a restaurant and had lunch.

He decided to look at his iPhone and read the BBC World News web page like he always did at least 3 or 4 times a day.

He typed in news.bbc.co.uk and the first item that greeted him was the following BBC World News Headline:

POPE BENEDICT XVI TO RESIGN CITING POOR HEALTH

Pope Benedict XVI to resign citing poor health- the exact same words that his dad had spoken to him in the dream right after he had just said 'She prophesied that this scenario would unfold and now this is how it would all begin..."

"What else did your dad say?" she asked.

"I really don't want to say at this time," Dracul replied, "we'll see what else unfolds..."

"Well don't give me the entire words that your dad spoke then," Hyung implored the vampire hunter Christopher Dracul Van Helsing, " what was the gist of what he told you?".

"The gist of what he told me to put it bluntly," Dracul answered, "is that an Antipope False Prophet and the Antichrist are about to burst upon the world..."

To be continued.


Sunday, February 10, 2013

Lunar New Year The Year of The Snake


Renfield R. Renfield decided to mark the start of the Lunar New Year the Year of the Snake by driving from Nevada to San Diego, California to visit the world-famous San Diego Zoo to look at their snake collection.

As Renfield put on his sunglasses and drove at top speed his red sports car along the Nevada desert highway crossing a bridge that had a sign (no doubt put up by a worker who left his glasses at home) BEWARE OF ICY CONDITIONS ON BRIDGE, he casually remarked to Amadeus, "I hear that Snowstorm Nemo is creating a lot of chaos in the northeastern U.S. and Canada. Bwahahaha! Good thing I'm not there."

"That's right!  Snowstorm Nemo! Have you noticed that Nemo is omen spelled backwards," Amadeus Emanon reached into his bag of reasonably priced No Name potato chips, "Ummm! These are good. I wonder who make these?."

Renfield declined a potato chip from Amadeus, "I hear there's an excellent diner in San Diego that's supposed to make the best tuna fish sandwiches in California. I plan to buy a whole bunch of those sandwiches and eat them at the Zoo while I make funny faces at the snakes."

When Renfield arrived in San Diego, the first thing he did was locate the diner that made the tuna fish sandwiches and he quickly bought himself 13 tuna fish sandwiches.

"13 for good luck in the Year of the Snake," Renfield smiled as he put the bag in the back seat.

When they got to the zoo, they were told by the ticket seller to be on the lookout for a cobra that a deranged San Diego based fortune cookie maker (who thought he was possessed by the spirit of late Chinese Communist dictator Chairman Mao Tse-tung) had let loose by opening up its cage this morning.

"Don't worry," Renfield growled, "I ain't afraid of no snake."

"He's just afraid of grammar dictionaries," Amadeus smiled at the ticket seller.

Renfield and Amadeus walked all over the zoo.

Amadeus decided to sit down on a bench and eat the fudgesicle he had just bought.

Renfield put down his bag of tuna fish sandwiches on the bench alongside Amadeus and decided that now was the time to eat them.

"Hey, I just saw that guy who beat me badly at poker during that card game I had in Vegas,"  Renfield suddenly stood up, "I'm going to go shoot him. And I don't want any blood on my tuna fish sandwiches so watch my bag, okay, Amadeus?".

"Okay," said Amadeus as he spilled some fudgesicle all over his white shirt.

As Renfield went to shoot the winner of that Vegas poker game, Amadeus pulled out the Superman comic book he had bought earlier in the day and started reading.

Meanwhile the escaped cobra was behind the bench and was about to swallow the unsuspecting Amadeus.

Then the cobra smelled the bag of tuna fish sandwiches and decided to swallow them first and then swallow the unsuspecting Amadeus who was engrossed in the subject matter of Lois Lane spanking Jimmy Olsen over her knee because Jimmy Olsen had accidently spilled chocolate milk on Lois' new white skirt.

Renfield arrived on the scene just as the cobra swallowed the 13th of the 13 tuna fish sandwiches.

"Hey, that snake ate my tuna fish sandwiches," Renfield foamed at the mouth.

He pulled a huge knife out of his belt, ran up to the cobra, seized it by the throat and then cut it up into two thousand and thirteen body parts.

"So this is the Year of the Snake," Amadeus remarked as he heard fireworks going off over the San Diego skyline.

"It may be the Year of the Snake," Renfield replied as he angrily kicked away the last tiny piece of cobra, "but it wasn't the year of THIS snake."

To be continued.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Renfield Frolics In Nevada While Blizzard Hits Northeastern U.S. and Canada


As a huge blizzard paralyzed the northeastern U.S. and Atlantic Canada, Renfield R. Renfield was busy frolicking on the Cottontail Ranch in Nevada.

Amadeus Emanon sat in the ranch house's waiting room quietly sipping tea while a group of scantily clad, topless and short skirted women asked him, "Is there anything else we can do for you, sir?".

"No, I'm quite happy with the tea, honey and lemon you've served me," Amadeus smiled as he sipped his tea.

A huge banging sound could be heard coming from the room upstairs.

"Are you doing some renovating?" Amadeus asked the short skirted topless blonde woman who was sitting on top of the registry desk with her legs uncrossed.

"No, that would be your friend banging upstairs, sir," was the woman's reply.

"I didn't even know Renfield had studied carpentry," Amadeus looked quizzical.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to do some banging yourself?" a topless slit skirted Asian woman with spiked stiletto black leather leather boots asked Amadeus.

"No, I never studied carpentry," was Amadeus' answer.

The women in the room sighed.

"Did you even study high school biology?" a short skirted woman with a Jamaican accent asked Amadeus.

"No, I never went to school having been genetically cloned in a lab," was Amadeus'  reply, "I taught myself by reading the books in my boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's library but I never got around to looking at the biology section."

The women looked at one another in huge disbelief even though what Amadeus said was the complete truth.

"And was your friend genetically cloned in a lab as well?" asked the woman from Mumbai, India who was only wearing a red lingerie slip and black silk nylons.

"He was," Amadeus nodded.

"But it sounds from the noise coming upstairs he got around to reading the biology section of your boss' library," the topless short skirted blonde asked him.

"He did," Amadeus smiled as he finished his tea.

"Oh God, oh God," a woman's voice from upstairs screamed in sure ecstasy.

"Renfield must have done a wonderful job renovating your friend's room from the response your friend gave upstairs,"  Amadeus looked in the direction of the ceiling.

"No doubt," the slit skirted woman from Shanghai said.

"But he must be charging an arm and a leg for his work," Amadeus stated sympathetically, "as you seem not able to afford much clothes to pay for his renovations."

All the women just stared at Amadeus in shock.

"I'm finished," Renfield came bounding down the stairs while putting on his clothes at the same time.

"I never knew you did carpentry work," Amadeus put his tea cup down on the registry counter, "and what's more I never knew you did carpentry work in the nude."

Renfield looked at Amadeus in confusion, "What the fuck are you talking about?".

"Well, he wasn't talking about what you just mentioned," the red lingerie clad Indian woman replied, "he was talking about carpentry."

To be continued.