Jack O' Hare On Halloween

Jack O' Hare On Halloween

Jack O' Hare on Halloween
found on the ground a jelly bean
dropped by a goblin small
or a green giant tall.

Lots of strange creatures on this night!
Some enough to give you a fright!
Going from door to door
but it seemed to be no chore
to these little ones shouting "Trick or treat!".
Jack thought it quite neat.

Then after 9 the little ones went home
and after throwing the dog a bone
proceeded to eat their treat
and bobbed for apples with their feet.

But outside in the night so dark
was heard the cry of a lark
what omen was this
putting an end to bliss.

Childish games had now come to an end
Jack O' Hare wished for a friend
a wolfish howl
a screaching owl
zombies prowl.

Real vampires now roamed the earth
Hecate's hags were giving birth
and in the darkened sky a light
held by Zeus who looked a fright
this Greek god held dark countenance
as he rumbled world's continents.

Outside the celestial door
stood the Norse god Thor
He looked at Zeus
and Zeus at him
this Norse god that worked the gym.

Thor's hammers hit the Earth's poles
while Zeus shook the grassy knolls
these gods of old
had risen bold.

Modern children's tales made them seem nice
but now to Earth what havoc hair gets from lice
these old gods will now do to the world
and wreak havoc hitherto unfurled.

Zeus his lust and Thor his brawn
while Pan rises from a spring in Lebanon
and plays on his pan pipes a haunting tune
harking an apocalypse soon.

Moloch's furnaces rise again
grinning bull face so insane
fire falls instead of rain.

Many had shouted in this age
with all manner of sporadic rage
that Jesus Christ would have to go
and if He has,
then why all this current woe?

Nietzsche had written, "It's Christ vs. Dionysus
Don't you understand?".
Indeed grinned the 3-piece demon band.
Dionysus was their leader
Hades the bottom feeder
followed by a serpent seeder.

Jack O' Hare liked not what he saw
as he watched and licked his paw
then he turned and hopped away
wanting this All Hallow's Eve
to turn to All Saints' Day.


Jack O' Hare On Halloween
-a poem written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Sunday, October 31st 2010

The Bunny Hare Picture Show Doing The Time Warp Again

So today I saw Jack O' Hare the wild hare jack rabbit who lives in the neighbourhood and occasionally visits my back yard.

I haven't seen him in several weeks.

I noticed he's now turned completely white to match the snowfall that fell here a couple of days ago.

So in honour of seeing Jack O' Hare and since they're performing excerpts from The Rocky Horror Picture Show on Glee tonight, here's Jack O' Hare singing his version of The Time Warp entitled The Bunny Hop.

The Bunny Hop (to the tune of The Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picture Show)

It's astounding, my ears are big
Listening takes its toll,
But listen closely, I'm gonna hop around
and lose all control.

I remember doing the bunny hop
Eating those carrots when
The diarrhea would hit me and the fan would be calling...
Let's do the Bunny Hop again...
Let's do the Bunny Hop again...

It's just a hop to the left
and then a hop to the right
With your ears sticking up
You hold your whiskers tight
But it's landing your little tail that gives you pain
Let's do the Bunny Hop again.

It's so creamy, broccoli feed me
in winter can you see me, no not at all
in another dimension, my vegetarian intention
turns to carnivore free fall
and when your beef patties flop
I'm doing the Bunny Hop
and nothing can ever be the same
I'll eat your Big Mac sensation while you're under sedation
Let's do the Bunny Hop again.

When I was walking down the street with my ears so pink
up popped a fox disguised as a shrink
He looked me up, took me by surprise
He had a laydown couch and Burger King fries
He psychoanalyzed me and I felt a change
meat meant nothing, never would again
Let's do the Bunny Hop again.

-Jack O' Hare singing The Bunny Hop
a musical number written by
Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Tuesday, October 26th, 2010.

Dreams of the South Pacific

Lines of palm trees
on silver seas
tinged with an aromatic breeze
the stars they quiver
by pale moon's sliver
and coconuts dance in the breeze
a ballroom of exotic trees
the fireflies they are aglow
and fishes jump for joy you know.


-A poem written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Tuesday, October 19th, 2010

The Wicked Witch of the East Must Die!

In the annals of evil
and cosmic upheaval
Jack O' Hare was aware
of a very evil being
you'd go blind upon seeing
her heart was black
a walking rat.

There are good witches and bad witches
and those that emerge from shit of bitches
This evil witch was one such
devoid of divine touch
infernal through and through
she smelled like rat pooh.

This was the Wicked Witch of the East
but in evil she was not least.

East of the point where Jack stood
was this evil crone with cape and hood
the world turned to hate
because of her wretched gait
as she walked
and talked
but squawked.

For no human voice had she
this ugly horrid banshee
From the depths of Hell she came
to cause all she touched pain.

But Jack had had enough of this witch infernal
she must be sent to Hell eternal
and as he munched on corned beef and rye
with his big bunny ears held so high
Jack resolved
this Wicked Witch must die.

To be continued.

This being Part One of a neo-Miltonian neo-Homeric epic poem
written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
on this day Monday, October 18th, 2010.

Sherlock Holmes and The Headless Horseman of The Yorkshire Moors

"You've seemed distressed the past few days, Holmes," Doctor Watson observed, "what's up?".

"It's these damn hemorrhoids, Watson," Holmes adjusted the pillow on his chair, "I didn't realize they could be such a pain in the ass."

"Hemorrhoids have always been that, Holmes," Watson remarked.

Just then there was a knock at the door.

"I believe we have a visitor, Watson," Holmes lit his pipe.

"Brilliant deduction, Holmes," Watson smiled.

"Thank you, Watson," Holmes smiled.

Dr. Watson got up and answered the door.

Standing there was a man without a head.

In one hand, he held a ventriloquist's dummy.

"Pardon me," the dummy said, "but I appear to have lost my head. If it wasn't for this ventriloquist's dummy I found, I'd have a next to impossible time trying to communicate with people."

"How did you lose your head?" Holmes piped up.

"I lost it during the English Civil War," the spectral headless figure replied through the ventriloquist's dummy.

"That wasn't very civil of someone to cut your head off," Holmes put his pipe down.

"No, it wasn't," the spectral figure agreed, "but I found a pumpkin as a replacement. I've roamed the Yorkshire Moors with it through centuries on my horse. You may have heard of me, the Headless Horseman of the Yorkshire Moors?".

"I'm afraid I haven't," Holmes confessed.

"It's that damn Hessian cavalryman who lost his head during the American Revolutionary War," the spectre shook his non-existent head, "he gets all the press. The Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow. Thanks to Washington Irving, he gets all the glory. I wish I had a better PR agent."

"What's a PR agent?" Doctor Watson blew his nose.

"Public Relations, Watson," Holmes started tapping his fingers impatiently, "I suppose you'd like me to find your pumpkin head for you?".

"Yes, please," the spectre smiled through the ventriloquist's dummy.

"I once knew a lady of the evening who wanted to find her lost maiden head," Watson quipped.

"Yes, well we won't get into that now, Watson," Holmes grabbed his coat, his deerstalker cap and his walking stick and headed out the door, "Come Watson. The game's afoot."

"That's funny," Watson grinned, "I thought it was a head."


* * *

Dr. Watson sported a large nasty bump on the head after Holmes hit him with his walking stick for telling such an atrocious pun.

Watson was stopped by a French police bobby who was over here on a Paris-London Police Exchange program, "Pardon me, monsieur but that's quite a nasty boomp you have on your head."

"So I've noticed," Watson nodded.

"Great Scott, Watson," Holmes suddenly stopped in his tracks.

"Are you talking about that man standing over there in a kilt with a huge erection?" Watson queried.

"No, Watson," Holmes pointed to a sight in the window, "do you see in the window there? It's a jack o' lantern- a pumpkin bearing the carved initials HHOTYM- Headless Horseman of the Yorkshire Moors."

Holmes and Watson knocked on the door of the house with the jack o' lantern in the window.

The door opened.

"Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Watson," a cockney voice greeted them, "what are you doing here?".

"Lestrade, you total ass," Holmes wagged his finger at the Scotland Yard police inspector, "what are you doing with the Headless Horseman's head?".

"The 'Eadless 'Orseman's 'Ead?" Lestrade frowned, "what are you babbling about, Mr. Holmes? Are you drunk?".

"Drunk with the fount of knowledge, yes," Holmes rubbed his hands together, "for we have found the Headless Horseman's Head."

Lestrade had bought the head from a used pumpkin salesman.

Lestrade swore he'd never buy from a used pumpkin salesman again.

And so the Headless Horseman of the Yorkshire Moors got his head back.

The ventriloquist's dummy was elected to a seat in Parliament.

And Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson lived happily ever after.

That is until the next time someone else called upon them at their haunts at 221B Baker Street, London.


* * *

A Sherlock Holmes short short story for Hallowe'en
written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Sunday, October 17th 2010.

The Date: 10-10-10

Dracul Van Helsing was leaving the Saint James' Court Hotel on his way to Saint Paul's Cathedral when he was greeted at the entrance and exit door of the hotel by the red-headed cyborg Sophia.

She was wearing a tight fitting purple mini dress, black silk pantyhose and red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

"I've been given instructions to make out with you for the next 3 hours," Sophia spoke in a very sultry voice.

"Oh, okay," Dracul wasn't one to turn down a beautiful woman on such a request.


* * *

There was a huge parade and festivities going on in Pyongyang the North Korean capital to mark the 65th Anniversary of the founding of the Korean Workers' Party by Great Leader Kim il-Sung.

Overseeing the parade was the so-called Dear Leader Kim Jong-il the son of Kim il-Sung.

And on the other side of a North Korean Army general on the platform overseeing the parade was the Next Leader Kim Jong-un the son and designated heir of Dear Leader Kim Jong-il.

Unknown to most western observers, there was a non-Korean woman marching in uniform along with North Korea's tight skirted women soldiers.

She was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana- acclaimed by the British press as the next Lady Gaga.

Morgana was able to parade in the North Korean daylight as a result of being given the powerful sunscreen invented for vampires and vampiresses by the former East German Stasi scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen who now worked for the Russian FSB.

A few rows behind Morgana and also dressed in the tight skirted uniform of the North Korean Army Women's Corps was South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.

Hyung was keeping an eye on Morgana.

She had become aware the past few months that there had been several clandestine meetings going on between the Vampiress Morgana and designated North Korean heir Kim Jong-un. She was anxious to discover what those clandestine meetings were about.


* * *

Inside one of the back cloisters of Saint Paul's Cathedral, a nervous groom the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was getting ready for his marriage to the Vampiress Martini the heiress to the Romanov billions.

By putting their two fortunes together, they would become a powerhouse in the world of global finance.

It was a dynastic marriage made in Heaven- although it was actually made in the Underworld when the idea came to Renfield R. Renfield when he was in a poker game with the Greek God Hades (known to our Roman Latin readers as Pluto).

The marriage was to be performed by Set's good friend and Bridge card game partner at several London clubs the ArchDruid of Canterbury.

The ArchDruid had suggested Saint Paul's Cathedral as the venue for Set's wedding nuptials to the Vampiress Martini.

When Set said that the presence of Crosses and Crucifixes might make him a tad uncomfortable during the ceremony, Dr. Rowan Williams smiled and said most of the clergy and laity would have no objections to the Crosses and Crucifixes being removed during the wedding service as most had no idea what was the purpose behind such objects in today's Church of England anyways.

Serving as deacon during the ceremony behind the ArchDruid was a U.S. Episcopalian bishop and part time Santeria practitioner who had removed the Crosses and Crucifixes from his own Cathedral years ago.

"Have you seen the latest Old Spice commercial where the spokesperson turns into a multi-headed hydra?" Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield who was getting ready the bucket of severed human fingers that would serve as confetti to be thrown after the service.

"No, I haven't," Renfield snapped angrily.

"I think that Episcopalian bishop who's going to be the deacon during the service needs some Old Spice," Amadeus remarked, "because his arm pits smell like Hell."

"That's no surpise," Renfield handed the organist the music sheet for the Ozzy Osbourne song Speak of the Devil which would be played as the wedding march instead of the traditional Here Comes The Bride or even the Allegro Maestoso selection from Handel's Water Music.

As the Episcopalian bishop struggled with his robes, Amadeus threw on a huge dose of Old Spice deodorant under each underarm.

The end result was when the bishop got the robe over his head, he had suddenly grown six other heads as well.

"Bloody Hell," the bishop said when he looked at his reflection in the mirror which immediately cracked upon his gaze.

"No time to worry about that now, Henry," the ArchDruid of Canterbury laughed, "it will be next to impossible to find an executioner to cut off your six extra heads before the service begins particularly in lieu of the fact capital punishment was abolished in England back in the 1960s."


* * *

Set was dressed in his best tuxedo, dress shirt and bow tie.

The Vampiress Martini was dressed in the latest elegant white wedding dress personally designed by Karl Lagerfeld.

The ArchDruid of Canterbury was dressed in episcopal purple wearing an inverted pentagram instead of a pectorial Cross around his neck.

The U.S. Episcopalian bishop was dressed in the white robes of a deacon with a chicken's foot around the neck of his central head while his six other heads blinked uncomfortably.

Renfield R. Renfield was the choir master trying to direct and conduct an unruly group of goths, punk rockers and heavy metal headbangers who made up the choir.

Amadeus Emanon was dressed in school boy style trousers and was the ringbearer for the occasion.

Lady Gaga was dressed in a luminously white short short mini dress, white silk nylons and white spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and was the flower girl holding a basket of ragweed for the happy occasion.

The service began as the ArchDruid of Canterbury solemnly intoned, "Dearly beloved bretheren and sisteren and transgendered in-betweenem, we are gathered here today to join this vampire and this vampiress in the bondage of unholy matrimony. Marriage, which is a dishonourable estate according to the Association of British Divorce Attorneys, should not be entered into lightly or without a pre-nuptial agreement. If any of you know any reason why these two should not be awfully wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace..."

Amadeus spoke in a whisper to Renfield (a whisper that echoed throughout the dome of Saint Paul's), "How did you manage to stop Dracul Van Helsing from coming to this service to raise his objections?".

Renfield also answered in a whisper (that likewise echoed throughout the dome of Saint Paul's Cathedral), "I sent the Cyborg Sophia to his hotel to stop him in his tracks. No doubt he's currently engaged..."

"O Brave New World that has such people in it," the Vampiress Martini looked up as she saw the moon
filter through the dome of Saint Paul's Cathedral.

To be continued.