He was the ultimate secret agent for the 21st Century...
... he was John Sond... 000...
... aka Double-O Nothing...
... he liked his can of Coca-Cola shaken
(not stirred) before opening...
... with the end result... being a bloody mess
all over the place...
... but it made the dry-cleaners of London happy...
... after Sond sprayed customers inside restaurants
after ordering a can of Coke...
Today Sond entered the MI-6 laboratory for help
on his next mission...
The doctor-scientist working inside the MI-6
lab was named P ...
not to be confused with Q. of James Bond fame...
(every secret service lab must mind its P's and Q's) ;)
"Well John," began P, "I've invented a time
machine to bring people back from the past to
help you on your next mission... Lord Horatio Nelson,
Vincent Van Gogh and Captain Long John Silver..."
"Why those people?" John asked.
"That's what came up on the machine," P answered,
"the time operator asked me to insert another one
billion pounds but I didn't have it on me... so these
are the three we're stuck with..."
John Sond's mission was to guard Burlap House
the ancestral home of Lord Burlap where the Burlap
Diamond was kept...
... he must prevent the Burlap Diamond from being stolen by
Swiss terrorists (a group of unemployed Swiss watch makers
who lost their jobs after the downturn in the global economy
and turned to a life of crime)....
Lord Horatio Nelson kept guard in the house tower...
... his job was to watch for the terrorists...
Vincent Van Gogh's job was to listen at the door for
the sound of the terrorists approaching...
Captain Long John Silver's job was to run after
the terrorists should they actually manage to steal
the diamond...
and John Sond Double-O Nothing's job was to
oversee the mission...
Penelope Cruz the well-known actress showed up
at Burlap House in an evening dress, sexy black nylons
and spiked stiletto heels so John Sond took her to the
upstairs bedroom and proceeded to make out with her...
Lord Nelson was getting bored while waiting for
the Swiss terrorists to show so he started to open
a bottle of champagne but unfortunately for his
Lordship while opening the bottle, the cork popped
out suddenly and hit Nelson in his one good eye (Nelson's
other eye having been blinded in a great naval battle)...
... the end result was that Nelson didn't see the
Swiss terrorists approaching...
... Meanwhile Vincent Van Gogh was standing
at the door listening for any sound of the Swiss
terrorists approaching...
... he was chewing a piece of bubble gum and blew
a huge bubble...
... which unfortunately popped and got stuck in Vincent's
sole remaining ear (Vincent had cut his other ear off in
what turned out to be an ill-conceived and ultimately unsuccessful
attempt to impress and win back his ex-girlfriend)...
... the end result was that Vincent couldn't hear the terrorists
approaching...
... once inside the house the terrorists were able
to successfully steal the diamond...
... as John Sond Double O-Nothing wasn't guarding the diamond...
... since he was busy being spanked by Penelope Cruz who had assumed
the role of a dominatrix in the bedroom for Sond's erotic pleasure...
Once outside the house, the Swiss terrorists ran with the diamond
to their waiting taxi cab...
Captain Long John Silver ran after the terrorists
but unfortunately got his one good leg caught in
a bear trap (the Burlap estate was having problems
with bears coming in to swipe honey from the estate's
bee hives)...
... Silver's other leg was a peg leg (he had
lost his real leg after beating a shark in a
chess game on a Caribbean beach and the
shark turned out to be a poor loser)!
The end result was the Swiss terrorists got
away with the Burlap diamond...
In a confidential report later submitted to British
Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the head of
MI-6 admitted that MI-6's mission to guard
and protect the Burlap diamond had been
an abysmal failure...
The End.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
The Roman Emperor Caligula and Today's World
My dad and I have been watching on DVD the BBC
television series I, Claudius which was apparently a big
hit on BBC television and American PBS television back
in the early 1980s.
The program deals with the reign of
Rome's first 4 Emperors Augustus, Tiberius,
Caligula and Claudius.
It's amazing how much ancient Rome resembled
today's America or maybe it's more proper to say
how much today's America resembles ancient
Rome.
As one woman character remarked in the film,
"How much Rome has changed in my lifetime.
Those who are married live apart and those who
aren't married live together."
I haven't heard a better description of modern
America and modern Canada and modern Europe.
Caligula has always been one of the most fascinating
of the Roman Emperors.
He named a horse to the Roman Senate.
Probably one of the more astute actions of the
Emperor Caligula as both the modern U.S.
and Canadian Senates are full of horse's asses.
I imagine the ancient Roman Senate was much the same
way.
Caligula was also the first Emperor to acclaim
himself a god in his own lifetime.
Other Emperors waited until they had kicked
the bucket first.
But in our own time, psychotic nutcases such as Oprah
Winfrey are busy yapping and telling people to get in touch
with their "deity within".
So instead of one Caligula, we have hundreds of thousands
of Caligulas running around these days.
In more ways than one.
As Caligula was a bisexual transexual transgendered crossdresser.
Modern America is full of these.
The sodomite Episcopalian bishop Vicki Gene Robinson
gave the opening prayer (no doubt to the ancient Canaanite
god Moloch) at the start of Obama Inauguration festivities
at the Lincoln Memorial.
No doubt Lincoln is shocked at what modern America has come to.
A nation of sexually anatomically challenged perverts who use the
nice and pleasant sounding euphemism "gay" to describe their
sexually perverted activities.
Because of this, what many people are hailing
as the start of a new Camelot with the advent of
Barack Obama will probably turn out to be in a few years
time the flaming smouldering ruins of a 21st Century Sodom
and Gomorrah.
television series I, Claudius which was apparently a big
hit on BBC television and American PBS television back
in the early 1980s.
The program deals with the reign of
Rome's first 4 Emperors Augustus, Tiberius,
Caligula and Claudius.
It's amazing how much ancient Rome resembled
today's America or maybe it's more proper to say
how much today's America resembles ancient
Rome.
As one woman character remarked in the film,
"How much Rome has changed in my lifetime.
Those who are married live apart and those who
aren't married live together."
I haven't heard a better description of modern
America and modern Canada and modern Europe.
Caligula has always been one of the most fascinating
of the Roman Emperors.
He named a horse to the Roman Senate.
Probably one of the more astute actions of the
Emperor Caligula as both the modern U.S.
and Canadian Senates are full of horse's asses.
I imagine the ancient Roman Senate was much the same
way.
Caligula was also the first Emperor to acclaim
himself a god in his own lifetime.
Other Emperors waited until they had kicked
the bucket first.
But in our own time, psychotic nutcases such as Oprah
Winfrey are busy yapping and telling people to get in touch
with their "deity within".
So instead of one Caligula, we have hundreds of thousands
of Caligulas running around these days.
In more ways than one.
As Caligula was a bisexual transexual transgendered crossdresser.
Modern America is full of these.
The sodomite Episcopalian bishop Vicki Gene Robinson
gave the opening prayer (no doubt to the ancient Canaanite
god Moloch) at the start of Obama Inauguration festivities
at the Lincoln Memorial.
No doubt Lincoln is shocked at what modern America has come to.
A nation of sexually anatomically challenged perverts who use the
nice and pleasant sounding euphemism "gay" to describe their
sexually perverted activities.
Because of this, what many people are hailing
as the start of a new Camelot with the advent of
Barack Obama will probably turn out to be in a few years
time the flaming smouldering ruins of a 21st Century Sodom
and Gomorrah.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Doctor Nietzsche Friedrich
Anderson Cooper: Hello, this is Anderson Cooper
for CNN News. We are standing here at Piccadily
Circus in the middle of downtown London talking to
Doctor Nietzsche Friedrich the President of the British
Atheist Association.
Dr. Nietzsche Friedrich: God does not
exist.
Anderson Cooper: I understand the British
Atheist Association is conducting an aggressive
advertising campaign.
Dr. Nietzsche: That's right. Numerous wars
have been fought in the name of religion.
We don't need any more people killed.
Anderson Cooper: How do you explain the fact that
3 of the greatest mass murderers in History-
Josef Stalin, Mao-tse tung and Pol Pot were all
atheists?
Dr. Nietzsche: I don't try to explain that fact.
I just ignore it.
Anderson Cooper: And what has been the
reaction of Doctor Rowan Williams the Archbishop
of Canterbuy to your militant God does not
exist advertising campaign?
Dr. Nietzsche: Being a contemporary modern
Anglican, Doctor Williams isn't sure what he believes
in, He could be an atheist one day and a Druidic sun
worshipper the next.
(Anderson Cooper slips on some ice on the sidewalk)
Dr. Nietzsche: You should really be more careful,
Anderson. It's people like you who rush blindly
ahead who most likely are to run into danger...
and remember...
God is dead!
(Dr. Nietzsche steps off the curb directly in front
of an oncoming London doubledecker bus bearing the side
advertisement God probably doesn't exist. So enjoy
life!)
Anderson Cooper: It appears so is Doctor Nietzsche.
The End.
for CNN News. We are standing here at Piccadily
Circus in the middle of downtown London talking to
Doctor Nietzsche Friedrich the President of the British
Atheist Association.
Dr. Nietzsche Friedrich: God does not
exist.
Anderson Cooper: I understand the British
Atheist Association is conducting an aggressive
advertising campaign.
Dr. Nietzsche: That's right. Numerous wars
have been fought in the name of religion.
We don't need any more people killed.
Anderson Cooper: How do you explain the fact that
3 of the greatest mass murderers in History-
Josef Stalin, Mao-tse tung and Pol Pot were all
atheists?
Dr. Nietzsche: I don't try to explain that fact.
I just ignore it.
Anderson Cooper: And what has been the
reaction of Doctor Rowan Williams the Archbishop
of Canterbuy to your militant God does not
exist advertising campaign?
Dr. Nietzsche: Being a contemporary modern
Anglican, Doctor Williams isn't sure what he believes
in, He could be an atheist one day and a Druidic sun
worshipper the next.
(Anderson Cooper slips on some ice on the sidewalk)
Dr. Nietzsche: You should really be more careful,
Anderson. It's people like you who rush blindly
ahead who most likely are to run into danger...
and remember...
God is dead!
(Dr. Nietzsche steps off the curb directly in front
of an oncoming London doubledecker bus bearing the side
advertisement God probably doesn't exist. So enjoy
life!)
Anderson Cooper: It appears so is Doctor Nietzsche.
The End.
Monday, January 19, 2009
O, What CAN This Poem Be About?
Said the little engine that could,
I think I can, I think I can
and he did to the top of the hill.
Said Barack Obama,
"Yes, we can, yes we can"
and he did-
he's being sworn in on Capitol Hill.
Said the Moulin Rouge owner to the show girls,
"Do the can-can, Do the can-can"
and now Paris gentlemen
are pole vaulting up the hill. ;)
-Dracul Van Helsing
January 19th, 2009
I think I can, I think I can
and he did to the top of the hill.
Said Barack Obama,
"Yes, we can, yes we can"
and he did-
he's being sworn in on Capitol Hill.
Said the Moulin Rouge owner to the show girls,
"Do the can-can, Do the can-can"
and now Paris gentlemen
are pole vaulting up the hill. ;)
-Dracul Van Helsing
January 19th, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
If A Bollywood Movie Were Filmed In A Canadian Snowstorm
A friend of mine, Natalie from Sydney, Australia recently
posted a YouTube video in which she said her
favourite movie of all from 2008 was a film called
Slumdog Millionaire.
In last night's newspaper here, they gave a write-up
on the film in which they noted Slumdog Millionaire
won 4 Golden Globe Awards including Best Motion
Picture Drama.
The Golden Globes of course are a good
predictor of the Oscar winners.
The plot of Slumdog Millionaire
is about a teen-ager who lives in the
rougher districts of Mumbai who lands a
spot on the Indian equivalent of the quiz
show Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Anyways this started me thinking about an
ezBlog post Soni Kudi wrote in the past week-
something to the effect about "If life were
like a Bollywood movie..."
One of the amusing things she
mentioned was about being stuck in
a traffic jam in the middle of Mumbai
in the middle of the pouring rain
and jumping out of the taxi cab
you're in and breaking into song.
I found this highly amusing.
If anyone has actually done this in real life
and has taken a photo of this, please post it
so I can see. ;)
Anyhow this started me thinking what it
would be like if they filmed a Bollywood movie
here in Canada in the middle of winter in the
middle of a typical Canadian snowstorm.
Our hero would be stuck in a taxi in a traffic
jam in downtown not in the middle of the
pouring rain but in the middle of a blizzarding
snowstorm.
He would have trouble opening the door of the
back seat of the cab to break out in song in
the middle of the street because he would be
trying to open the door against 80 kilometre
an hour wind gusts.
The taxi driver would be shouting at him,
"Close the door you idiot. You're letting snow
into the cab."
When our hero finally succeeds in opening the cab
door against the 80 kilometre an hour winds,
he bursts into song as he's pelted with rapidly
falling snow flakes.
As he's singing, the taxi driver angrily gets out
of the cab, "You idiot. You let a ton of snow into
my cab" and proceeds to start strangling our hero
who never misses a note of the song he's singing.
As our hero is bravely singing and bravely
being strangled at the same time in the midst
of the ferocious blizzard, Aishwarya Rai wearing
a multicoloured sari struggles in her spiked stiletto
high-heeled shoes through the 40 foot snow drifts
running down the middle of the snow covered street
and shouting, "God, it's freezing cold out."
A singing policeman who's over here on a
Mumbai-Edmonton police exchange program
manages to get the fingers of the strangling
taxi cab driver off the throat of our hero.
Our hero and Aishwarya Rai are about to run
into each other's arms when suddenly they are both
scooped up by different snow ploughs driving in
opposing directions.
Our hero sings to Aishwarya Rai, "Don't worry,
darling. I'll find you in whatever snowpile you're in."
The entire city then bursts into a chorus of
"Oh, the weather outside is frightful
but the weather inside's delightful,
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow..."
The End.
posted a YouTube video in which she said her
favourite movie of all from 2008 was a film called
Slumdog Millionaire.
In last night's newspaper here, they gave a write-up
on the film in which they noted Slumdog Millionaire
won 4 Golden Globe Awards including Best Motion
Picture Drama.
The Golden Globes of course are a good
predictor of the Oscar winners.
The plot of Slumdog Millionaire
is about a teen-ager who lives in the
rougher districts of Mumbai who lands a
spot on the Indian equivalent of the quiz
show Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Anyways this started me thinking about an
ezBlog post Soni Kudi wrote in the past week-
something to the effect about "If life were
like a Bollywood movie..."
One of the amusing things she
mentioned was about being stuck in
a traffic jam in the middle of Mumbai
in the middle of the pouring rain
and jumping out of the taxi cab
you're in and breaking into song.
I found this highly amusing.
If anyone has actually done this in real life
and has taken a photo of this, please post it
so I can see. ;)
Anyhow this started me thinking what it
would be like if they filmed a Bollywood movie
here in Canada in the middle of winter in the
middle of a typical Canadian snowstorm.
Our hero would be stuck in a taxi in a traffic
jam in downtown not in the middle of the
pouring rain but in the middle of a blizzarding
snowstorm.
He would have trouble opening the door of the
back seat of the cab to break out in song in
the middle of the street because he would be
trying to open the door against 80 kilometre
an hour wind gusts.
The taxi driver would be shouting at him,
"Close the door you idiot. You're letting snow
into the cab."
When our hero finally succeeds in opening the cab
door against the 80 kilometre an hour winds,
he bursts into song as he's pelted with rapidly
falling snow flakes.
As he's singing, the taxi driver angrily gets out
of the cab, "You idiot. You let a ton of snow into
my cab" and proceeds to start strangling our hero
who never misses a note of the song he's singing.
As our hero is bravely singing and bravely
being strangled at the same time in the midst
of the ferocious blizzard, Aishwarya Rai wearing
a multicoloured sari struggles in her spiked stiletto
high-heeled shoes through the 40 foot snow drifts
running down the middle of the snow covered street
and shouting, "God, it's freezing cold out."
A singing policeman who's over here on a
Mumbai-Edmonton police exchange program
manages to get the fingers of the strangling
taxi cab driver off the throat of our hero.
Our hero and Aishwarya Rai are about to run
into each other's arms when suddenly they are both
scooped up by different snow ploughs driving in
opposing directions.
Our hero sings to Aishwarya Rai, "Don't worry,
darling. I'll find you in whatever snowpile you're in."
The entire city then bursts into a chorus of
"Oh, the weather outside is frightful
but the weather inside's delightful,
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow..."
The End.
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