Saudi-Iranian Relations and The Case of The Renfieldian Interpreter

Saudi-Iranian Relations and The Case of the Renfieldian Interpreter


"So I'm now involved in diplomacy and peace-making efforts," Renfield informed Amadeus.


Amadeus spewed the Coca-Cola out of his mouth upon hearing these words and the liquid went flying to the other side of the room where it hit the computer screen.


"God, now I feel like the Ancient Greek Titan Hyperion for some reason," Amadeus wiped his mouth with his handkerchief.


Athelstan the butler and valet entered the room and started applying Bavarian Magic Mushroom Stain Remover to the computer screen.


"As you know the Boss," Renfield was referring to their employer the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, "is quite concerned about the fact that his brother, brother-in-law and rival Osiris has been clandestinely involved in world peace- making efforts ever since his sub- atomic particles were re-assembled and put back together again back in Halloween of 2014. So the Boss would like to be involved in international diplomacy himself."


"So, why isn't he?" Amadeus started to cry over his spilled Coca-Cola.


"Well," Renfield explained as Amadeus started blubbering away, "as you know, the Boss has been heavily involved the past few months in intense aromatherapy sessions to see if this will help him overcome his fear of garlic.  And as such, he's passed the efforts in international diplomacy on to me."


Amadeus collapsed to the floor where he started laughing hysterically.

"I say, Amadeus," Renfield sipped his whiskey, "have you ever thought of seeing the doctor and getting a check up to see if you're bipolar?".


Athelstan started vacuuming the carpet around the hysterically laughing Amadeus.


When Athelstan had finished vacuuming and Amadeus had returned to his seat, Renfield went on, "As you know tensions have been rising between Saudi Arabia and Iran over the Saudi government's recent execution of Saudi Shia cleric Sheikh Nimr al-Nimr. Demonstrators stormed the Saudi Embassy in Tehran and set the place on fire. This past Sunday, Saudi Foreign Minister Adel al-Jubeir announced that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia was breaking off diplomatic relations with Iran and was giving Iranian diplomats 48 hours to leave the country. Saudi Arabia's allies Bahrain and Sudan have likewise broken off diplomatic relations with Iran and the United Arab Emirates has downgraded its diplomatic team in Tehran. The United States government is as always overcome by paralysis when confronted with a crisis and the U.S. President is busy consulting the astrological birth chart of his favourite uneaten oyster to see what he should do about the situation. Into this diplomatic minefield, I have now stepped."


The globe of the world in the middle of the room shook.


"And what have you done?" Amadeus asked with some trepidation.

"I wrote a Document of Understanding between the two countries and had it translated into both Arabic and Persian and sent a copy to each country to sign," Renfield grinned.


"Who did you use as a translator?" Amadeus asked as he bit into a grilled cheese sandwich.


"I can't pronounce his name but here it is," Renfield wrote the man's name on a piece of paper and handed it to Amadeus.


"He once served as a translator on a trip the then U.S. President Jimmy Carter took to Poland almost 40 years ago," Renfield smiled.


"Was he the fellow I recently read about," Amadeus reflected, "who when Carter said "I want to come to know the Polish people", he translated as "I want to come to have carnal relations with the Polish people"  and when Carter said, "I've come to help the Polish people fulfill their desires for the future", he translated it as "I've come to help the Polish people fulfill their lusts for the future." That was the guy you used to translate your Document of Understanding?".


Renfield's face turned red with horror upon hearing Amadeus' words.


"Well, I suppose we should now prepare for war between Saudi Arabia and Iran," Amadeus stated as the globe of the world fell off its axis and bounced around the living room.


-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Monday January 4th
 2016.


Sent from my iPhone