The Year of The Snake Approaches

China's new leader Xi Jinping the new General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party was in disguise and was walking the streets of Shanghai.

The reason for Xi Jinping's clandestine visit to Shanghai was to visit the shop of a noted Chinese astrologer in the city.

The astrologer was well known for the accuracy of his predictions.

And it was said that this astrologer had predicted several years ago that a great and important world leader would emerge out of nowhere on the world stage in the next Year of the Snake (which was this year 2013 starting with the new lunar new year in February).

So Xi had come to see this astrologer named Sun Chen to find out who this person was.

Xi entered the shop, paid Sun his fee and then asked the question.

Sun burned some papers in a small fire in a pot on his fireplace stove.

Then he took the pot and showed Xi the image formed from the ashes at the bottom of the pot.

Xi took out his smart phone and photographed the image formed from the ashes.

Then he used some photo ID software to identify whose image it most closely resembled.

He pushed Send and within seconds, a match was found.

The image in the ashes resembled the facial features of one Magog Rhys Petley a British Labour MP for the constituency of Newcastle in Wales.

To be continued.

A Welsh Werewolf And The Ghosts of Hitler and Napoleon

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley had spent the day in an expensive and exclusive London tailor shop getting a new suit fitted to attend the Obama Inauguration.

After that, he felt that the werewolf part of him was taking over again so he went to a small restaurant and ordered a dozen glasses of buttermilk.

After drinking them, he went for a walk all over London.

As he walked through Trafalgar Square in London, he was startled to see the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte standing atop Lord Nelson's head on Nelson's statue.

Napoleon's ghost looked down upon him and winked at him.

Magog Rhys Petley hurriedly kept walking.

As he walked through Parliament Square near the Houses of Westminster, he was startled to see the ghost of Adolf Hitler standing atop Sir Winston Churchill's head on Sir Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square.

The ghost of Hitler winked at him.

Magog Rhys Petley hurriedly walked to a nearby pub and ordered a double whisky- the first of two dozen he'd have that night.

After seeing those ghosts, he resolved not to drink in the future...

... so much buttermilk.

To be continued.

Welsh Werewolf Magog Rhys Petley Invited To Obama Inauguration

As Welsh werewolf British Labour Party MP Magog Rhys Petley went through his mail, he noticed a letter addressed to him from the White House in Washington D.C.

He opened it and there on official White House stationery was his official invitation to attend United States President Barack Obama's 2nd Presidential Inauguration this coming January 20th.

How he wondered did he a backbench Opposition MP in another country get an invitation to attend the 2nd Obama Inaugural?

He suddenly remembered that he had met Michelle Obama on the Obama's last Official visit to Britain and how Mrs. Obama had laughed uproariously at a joke he had told about a Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi, a Muslim imam, a Zen Buddhist monk and a pot smoking Rastafarian.

Maybe it was the joke that Mrs. Obama liked so much that had landed him this invitation.

He hoped she wouldn't ask him to tell it again.

As he couldn't remember it.

He was half-drunk at the time he made up that joke.

To be continued.

Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec In Caracas, Venezuela

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec wearing a beautiful Spanish style red evening dress was in the Venezuelan capital of Caracas to attend a pro-Chavez rally.

Her good friend and ally Hugo Chavez had been scheduled to be re-inaugurated the President of Venezuela today.

But due to the return of cancer and recent surgery, President Chavez was still in a Cuban hospital and was not healthy enough to be sworn in today January 10th 2013.

The Opposition in Venezuela demanded new Presidential elections.

But the Venezuelan Supreme Court ruled that postponing the inauguration for a while was not unconstitutional.

So Her Highness Princess Qonzilqointec was here to express her solidarity with President Chavez and the working people of Venezuela.

As she left her hotel, a U.S. Republican Congressman who had fought vigourously to preserve tax cuts for the rich in the recent fiscal cliff debate in Washington D.C. was entering the hotel to vacation here.

He winced as he recognized the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

If there was one thing he couldn't stand, it was a Marxist vampiress.

To be continued.

Apophis Flies By and Nixon's 100th Birthday

The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was fuming mad.

Namely because a 300 metre wide asteroid called Apophis was flying by Earth today.

He wasn't mad at the fact that an asteroid was flying by Earth at a safe distance of 14 million kilometres (although some scientists calculated it might smash into Earth on April 13th 2029 while other scientists calculate it might smash into Earth on April 13th 2036).

He was mad at the fact that the asteroid was named after Apophis the Egyptian demon of darkness and destruction.

"Apophis was a pansy when compared with me," Set seethed.

He Set after all had been the god of darkness and chaos in the ancient Egyptian pantheon.

He didn't enjoy sharing his celestial responsibilities with a pansy like Apophis.

He was quite capable of looking after darkness and chaos himself without any help from a would-be Beverly Hills hairdresser like Apophis.

Why didn't they name an asteroid after him?

He would write to Britain's Royal Astronomical Society about this grave injustice.

                                           *          *         *

Magog Rhys Petley was watching the BBC World News when the announcer said that today would have been former U.S. President Richard Nixon's 100th birthday.

"In honour of the occasion," the announcer smiled, "we will now observe 18 and a half minutes of silence."

To be continued.

Billionaire Ancient Egyptian Vampire Set Sets Out To Rule The World

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set sat in his study looking at his Renaissance globe of the world and contemplating the state of the world.

At least now he wouldn't have to worry about his brother Osiris returning to Earth and upsetting his plans.

Thanks to a laser death ray blast from a Russian atomic sub, the particles of Osiris were all floating around the universe somewhere to the tune of that old song, "I fall to pieces..."

His own shapeshifting man/hamster hybrid Renfield R. Renfield he had sent to take care of the Osiris problem had failed.

Renfield thought he could stop Osiris' return by playing a Rihanna song backwards.

"I'd be much more inclined to think he could stop my brother's return by playing a Rihanna song forwards," Set thought.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set hated Rihanna's music.

Set quietly played the melody Greensleeves on his Renaissance lute and thought about how he could now conquer the world with Osiris no longer a threat.

Ever since his tomb had been dug up in Egypt on November 11th, 1918 (the day the First World War ended) and he had escaped, he had longed to rule the world.

One of his adepts Adolf Hitler had come close but he had in the end failed.

Now with the same economic problems facing the world today as had faced the world in the early 1930s, he'd groom another would-be despot to fulfill his plans.

This time he would use a demagogue of the extreme left rather than the extreme right to rule the world since his extreme right choice of the 1930s Adolf Hitler failed him in the mid-1940s.

And he'd use an extreme leftist who was a moderate and a bit more of a democrat than say someone of the personality type of a Josef Stalin.

And he Set had decided on just the right man or rather the left man for him.

He gazed at the photo of far left British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley.

To be continued.

Vampiress Isis, Vladimir Putin, Gerard Depardieu and Magog Rhys Petley

The Vampiress Isis adjusted the skirt of her long slit black evening dress and uncrossed her legs.

Why, she fumed, had Russian President Vladimir Putin ordered a Russian submarine to fire a laser death ray at her husband Osiris' spaceship to prevent his return to Earth on the important Mayan calendar date that corresponded to December 21st 2012 on the Gregorian calendar?

If Putin wanted war, she'd give him war.

At least she'd have an ally in French President Francois Hollande who was pissed at Putin for granting French actor Gerard Depardieu Russian citizenship.

                                         *      *      *

Russian President Vladimir Putin oversaw the cabinet meeting in the Kremlin.

Behind him stood his gray jacketed, white bloused and tight gray skirted bodyguard the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva who had been assigned by Russia's FSB to protect the President.

"So," Sergei Brownoseky Uptheladderov the Minister for Sanitary Engineering and Recycling of Everything asked the President, "for what reason did we attack Osiris' and Quetzalcoatl's space ships with a laser death ray from one of our submarines?".

"Well the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl was an unintended collateral damage casualty of friendly fire as his spiritual goddaughter the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec has been a good strategic ally of Russian interests," Putin explained, "our intended target was the Egyptian vampire Osiris whom we succeeded into sending into oblivion.  As you know Osiris is an entity worshipped and adored by the highest echelons of American Freemasonry and as you know, Russia and America have not exactly been good friends for most of the past century. And any friend of American leadership is an enemy of ours."

"Makes sense," Sergei Brownoseky Uptheladderov nodded enthusiastically.

                                       *        *      *

Magog Rhys Petley the far Left Member of the British Labour Party was attending a performance of The Phantom of The Opera in London's West End.

The lead performance of Christine was being sung by one of his favourite singers the talented New Orleans songstress Angelique Dumont.

It was intermission time and the Welsh MP was lining up to buy several glasses of buttermilk.

The reason he was buying buttermilk was because he had experientially discovered that by drinking buttermilk he was able to overcome the particular form of the lycanthropy gene (that caused werewolfism) which had overtaken his system ever since he had been bitten by Rahu (the Hindu demon god of lunar and solar eclipses) a couple of years earlier.

This particular form of the lycanthropy gene occasionally turned him into a werewolf even when it was not the full moon.

So that's why it was gallons of buttermilk for him.

As he lined up to buy the buttermilk from the theatre's cocktail bar, he reflected on how the great French actor Gerard Depardieu was now the great Russian actor Gerard Depardieu.

There were now even rumours that noted French actress Brigitte Bardot would be giving up her French citizenship for Russian.

If this trend continued, the entire French film industry might become part of the Russian film industry.

As he approached the bar, he noticed the cultural attache from the South African Embassy in London Lepardia Marango was sipping from a glass of buttermilk.

The lovely and charming South African diplomat wore a lovely lilac evening dress and diamond necklace.

She smiled at him as she noticed him noticing her.

Hm, a fellow buttermilk drinker, Magog reflected.

He wondered why.

To be continued.