It was Halloween and Renfield R. Renfield the shapeshifting hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was pouring over notes.
Renfield had a problem.
Set's brother the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris was slated to return to Earth on December 21st of this year.
The black magic spell that Set had used to exile his brother Osiris to a planet in the star system of Sirius was set to expire on the ancient Egyptian calendar on the same date as December 21st of the Gregorian calendar.
Coincidentally the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl who had been exiled to Saturn's moon Titan by Osiris' wife the ancient Egyptian vampiress Isis under a black magic spell- his exile was due to expire on December 21st of the Gregorian calendar as well.
Renfield wondered if this was what the ancient Mayans had in mind when they ended their long count calendar on the Mayan calendar equivalent date of December 21st of the Gregorian calendar.
Because Quetzalcoatl was now an enemy of both Isis and Osiris- he had signed an alliance treaty (via interplanetary telegraph) with the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Set and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec (who was the spiritual god-daughter and contemporary High Priestess of Quetzalcoatl) had often worked together on many joint missions of international espionage and intrigue.
Renfield had an interesting email on his iPad tablet.
It was from the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
Van Helsing offered to help Renfield stop Osiris from arriving to Earth if in turn Renfield helped him stop Quetzalcoatl from returning to Earth.
An interesting offer- Renfield scratched his hamster whiskers which were starting to show.
Van Helsing of course had in the past been an enemy of both Set and Renfield.
Now here was Van Helsing offering to help Renfield stop Set's biggest arch-enemy of all- Set's brother Osiris.
Which way should he Renfield go?
There was a knock on the door.
It was Amadeus Emanon wanting to go out trick or treating.
To be continued.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Renfield's Year So Far
The psychopathic genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield had had a pretty exciting 2012 so far.
Last year, the Norse demon wolf Fenrir whom he had invoked to help bring about the Norse apocalypse of the Battle of Ragnarok had been slain by South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.
That really ticked Renfield off.
And to top it off, Hyung after slaying Fenrir then did a little dance.
The dance was observed by South Korean pop singing sensation Psy who made a music video out of it called Gangnam Style.
That really pissed Renfield off.
The most dangerous thing he did this year was when he snuck aboard a helicopter with James Bond star Daniel Craig and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II to jump out of a helicopter.
Renfield hoped the feat would win him the prestige from Britain's upper classes he so desired.
But when his chute failed to open and he plunged screaming into the Thames far below- it had the opposite effect- lowering his reputation among Britain's upper classes even further.
The most annoying moment of the year came for him this past August when Syrian President Bashar Assad actually had the nerve to de-friend him on Facebook.
Assad had written on his Facebook page that the hamster/human was too psychopathic and homicidal a character for his tastes.
For Renfield, that was the final insult.
To be continued.
Last year, the Norse demon wolf Fenrir whom he had invoked to help bring about the Norse apocalypse of the Battle of Ragnarok had been slain by South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.
That really ticked Renfield off.
And to top it off, Hyung after slaying Fenrir then did a little dance.
The dance was observed by South Korean pop singing sensation Psy who made a music video out of it called Gangnam Style.
That really pissed Renfield off.
The most dangerous thing he did this year was when he snuck aboard a helicopter with James Bond star Daniel Craig and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II to jump out of a helicopter.
Renfield hoped the feat would win him the prestige from Britain's upper classes he so desired.
But when his chute failed to open and he plunged screaming into the Thames far below- it had the opposite effect- lowering his reputation among Britain's upper classes even further.
The most annoying moment of the year came for him this past August when Syrian President Bashar Assad actually had the nerve to de-friend him on Facebook.
Assad had written on his Facebook page that the hamster/human was too psychopathic and homicidal a character for his tastes.
For Renfield, that was the final insult.
To be continued.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
U.S. Secret Service Motto In Wake of Colombian Escort Scandal
U.S. Secret Service motto:
Putting our lives on the line for the President.
Putting our dicks on the line for sexual gratification.
Putting our credit rating at risk when the escorts complain.
Putting our lives on the line for the President.
Putting our dicks on the line for sexual gratification.
Putting our credit rating at risk when the escorts complain.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Fictional News Report About Dr. Hannibal Lector
This just in! Well known cannibalistic psychiatrist Dr. Hannibal Lector wasn't hungry enough for a full meal but he did feel like having some fingers as an appetizer. It has been reported that singer M.I.A.'s middle finger is M.I.A.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Nevermore
It is indeed the bleak December
but no rapping
no tapping
the chamber door will open no more
strangers come
strangers go
the bust of Pallas Athena broken with a blow
the pieces fall to the floor
the raven drops dead...
its voice heard nevermore.
-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Wednesday December 21st 2011.
but no rapping
no tapping
the chamber door will open no more
strangers come
strangers go
the bust of Pallas Athena broken with a blow
the pieces fall to the floor
the raven drops dead...
its voice heard nevermore.
-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Wednesday December 21st 2011.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Fenrir The Wolf and The Hell There Is
Fenrir saw another pathetically ugly woman- this one with a misshapen pug nose like a pug dog would have.
When she left the convenience store, Fenrir summoned the panther entity Konalu from his psyche.
The panther Konalu sprang on to the ugly looking redhead and tore her apart.
Fenrir continued on his way.
He decided to revert to his human form.
The wolf shapeshifted into a man.
As he walked down the sidewalk, another man came from another direction.
The two brushed against one another.
The man shapeshifted back into his natural form Fenrir the Wolf.
He sprang on to the man and tore him apart.
He then continued down the sidewalk- but remained in the shape of a wolf.
He passed a furniture and appliance store where in the window the TV was on and one of Satan's biggest useful idiots the retired U.S. Episcopalian Bishop John Shelby Spong was telling the interviewer that there was no such place as Hell.
The wolf hound from the place that didn't exist (according to Bishop Spong) continued on down the street.
To be continued.
When she left the convenience store, Fenrir summoned the panther entity Konalu from his psyche.
The panther Konalu sprang on to the ugly looking redhead and tore her apart.
Fenrir continued on his way.
He decided to revert to his human form.
The wolf shapeshifted into a man.
As he walked down the sidewalk, another man came from another direction.
The two brushed against one another.
The man shapeshifted back into his natural form Fenrir the Wolf.
He sprang on to the man and tore him apart.
He then continued down the sidewalk- but remained in the shape of a wolf.
He passed a furniture and appliance store where in the window the TV was on and one of Satan's biggest useful idiots the retired U.S. Episcopalian Bishop John Shelby Spong was telling the interviewer that there was no such place as Hell.
The wolf hound from the place that didn't exist (according to Bishop Spong) continued on down the street.
To be continued.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Fenrir The Wolf and Konalu The Panther
Twirling and twirling the snow blew.
Like a huge vortex of moving blinding white, it moved like a tornado in a prairie dust bowl save this was the snow white ground of Merrie England.
The snow stopped outside the old ancient village of stone houses.
The vortex of twirling snow stopped and stepping out of it like a figure emerging from a phone booth was the wolf Fenrir.
Fenrir- the monstrously hellish wolf of Norse mythology, the son of the evil demonic trickster god Loki, the father of the wolves Skoll and Hati, the biter off of the right hand of the Norse god Tyr and the prophesied slayer of the Norse god Odin during the cosmic end times battle of Ragnarok.
Such are the once and future accomplishments of the wolf Fenrir.
Fenrir entered the village and outside the stone post office of the village was confronted by the sight of a fat pathetically ugly woman.
And most shockingly of all the fat pathetic ugly woman had a baby in a stroller with her.
If the shapeshifting hamster Renfield R. Renfield had been around, he'd have most likely quipped, "Who the Hell would want to fuck that?".
Amadeus Emanon if he had been there might have said, "Maybe she has a great personality."
To which Renfield would have shrewdly replied, "Yes but one can't fuck a personality- at least not in a bodily sexual sense."
Fenrir called upon the panther Konalu- an astrally produced panther created by a far advanced psychic beam projected externally from the wolf's powerful psyche.
The panther Konalu ripped the fat pathetic ugly looking woman to pieces.
That way Fenrir didn't have to touch the piece of garbage.
Fenrir then directed the panther to rip the baby apart which it did.
Fenrir then continued down the snow swept street.
He was confronted by the sight of five drunken university students stumbling out of the village pub where they had stopped to imbibe on their way back to their university town from an overnight excursion they had taken to London.
The five were stumbling their way back to a small Volkswagen.
The BBC's public service broadcasts in which American actress Lindsay Lohan urged the British people not to drink and drive had obviously been lost on the five sobriety challenged idiots.
But like an ancient and yet so modern champion of People Against Impaired Driving, the wolf Fenrir jumped upon the five drunken youths and tore them apart limb from limb ripping them apart with his huge lupine jowls.
He then ate the remaining pieces of the five youths- flesh, bones, eyeballs and all.
Fenrir then emitted what sounded like a cross between a loud belch and a huge growl.
Fenrir's blood alcohol level in his his huge lupine body had gone up considerably since gorging on the five drunken imbeciles.
He stumbled along the road outside the village.
A school bus that was driving a bunch of girls and their mothers from a nearby girls' choral competition and concert came along the road.
The school bus driver was still feeling bad over having run over and killed a small dog on the road that morning.
As soon as he saw the wolf Fenrir and mistaking the wolf for a large dog, the bus driver hit the brakes causing the bus to swerve and go off the road into an ice bound creek breaking the ice.
The screams of the young girls and their mothers disturbed the wolf Fenrir's highly sensitive hearing.
Fenrir despite his drunken stupor was still able to call upon and emit the panther Konalu from his psyche.
The panther Konalu dove into the icy water and ripped the screaming girls and their mothers to shreds.
The sound of flesh being ripped apart was music to Fenrir's ears.
To be continued.
Like a huge vortex of moving blinding white, it moved like a tornado in a prairie dust bowl save this was the snow white ground of Merrie England.
The snow stopped outside the old ancient village of stone houses.
The vortex of twirling snow stopped and stepping out of it like a figure emerging from a phone booth was the wolf Fenrir.
Fenrir- the monstrously hellish wolf of Norse mythology, the son of the evil demonic trickster god Loki, the father of the wolves Skoll and Hati, the biter off of the right hand of the Norse god Tyr and the prophesied slayer of the Norse god Odin during the cosmic end times battle of Ragnarok.
Such are the once and future accomplishments of the wolf Fenrir.
Fenrir entered the village and outside the stone post office of the village was confronted by the sight of a fat pathetically ugly woman.
And most shockingly of all the fat pathetic ugly woman had a baby in a stroller with her.
If the shapeshifting hamster Renfield R. Renfield had been around, he'd have most likely quipped, "Who the Hell would want to fuck that?".
Amadeus Emanon if he had been there might have said, "Maybe she has a great personality."
To which Renfield would have shrewdly replied, "Yes but one can't fuck a personality- at least not in a bodily sexual sense."
Fenrir called upon the panther Konalu- an astrally produced panther created by a far advanced psychic beam projected externally from the wolf's powerful psyche.
The panther Konalu ripped the fat pathetic ugly looking woman to pieces.
That way Fenrir didn't have to touch the piece of garbage.
Fenrir then directed the panther to rip the baby apart which it did.
Fenrir then continued down the snow swept street.
He was confronted by the sight of five drunken university students stumbling out of the village pub where they had stopped to imbibe on their way back to their university town from an overnight excursion they had taken to London.
The five were stumbling their way back to a small Volkswagen.
The BBC's public service broadcasts in which American actress Lindsay Lohan urged the British people not to drink and drive had obviously been lost on the five sobriety challenged idiots.
But like an ancient and yet so modern champion of People Against Impaired Driving, the wolf Fenrir jumped upon the five drunken youths and tore them apart limb from limb ripping them apart with his huge lupine jowls.
He then ate the remaining pieces of the five youths- flesh, bones, eyeballs and all.
Fenrir then emitted what sounded like a cross between a loud belch and a huge growl.
Fenrir's blood alcohol level in his his huge lupine body had gone up considerably since gorging on the five drunken imbeciles.
He stumbled along the road outside the village.
A school bus that was driving a bunch of girls and their mothers from a nearby girls' choral competition and concert came along the road.
The school bus driver was still feeling bad over having run over and killed a small dog on the road that morning.
As soon as he saw the wolf Fenrir and mistaking the wolf for a large dog, the bus driver hit the brakes causing the bus to swerve and go off the road into an ice bound creek breaking the ice.
The screams of the young girls and their mothers disturbed the wolf Fenrir's highly sensitive hearing.
Fenrir despite his drunken stupor was still able to call upon and emit the panther Konalu from his psyche.
The panther Konalu dove into the icy water and ripped the screaming girls and their mothers to shreds.
The sound of flesh being ripped apart was music to Fenrir's ears.
To be continued.
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