"I know a high-ranking official in the Russian Navy," Renfield replied, "I also commandeered one in the White Sea this past Wednesday night."
"The White Sea this past Wednesday night," Amadeus scratched his head, "wasn't that the same night of December 9th that strange lights appeared over much of Norway?".
"Yes, undoubtedly caused by that missile I fired at Osiris' portal to prevent him from arriving on Earth," Renfield answered.
"Osiris tried to come to Earth this past Wednesday December 9th?" Amadeus inquired.
"Yes, the boss' brother and brother-in-law tried to use a transdimensional portal near the star Sirius to return to Earth," answered the Corporate Chief of Security for the multi-millionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
"I find it confusing that Osiris is both the boss' brother and also brother-in-law," Amadeus scratched his chin thoughtfully.
"Just like the Paris-based vampiress Isis is both the boss' sister and also sister-in-law," Renfield answered, "of course that's what started this family feud. The fact that Isis chose to marry Osiris rather than Set."
"Brothers marrying sisters," Amadeus shook his head, "I don't know what to think about that."
"It was very big among ancient Egyptian royalty," Renfield peered through his binoculars, "it was a case of Incest- a game the whole family can play- to use a slogan Madison Avenue might coin on the subject."
"So, let me get this straight," Amadeus tried to recount this ancient Egyptian soap opera, "Isis married Osiris. Set killed and dismembered Osiris. Isis used the ancient Egyptian Book of the Dead to bring Osiris back from the dead and then mothered Horus afterwards. Set used a powerful Egyptian form of witchcraft to exile Osiris to a planet near the star Sirius. Horus captured Set, wrapped him in mummy clothes and buried him in a tomb that wasn't opened until some 3000 years later when the tomb of Set was opened in Egypt on November 11th 1918 at exactly 11:00 A.M. Greenwich mean time just as the First World War ended."
"That's right," Renfield nodded.
"And Isis keeps trying to find interdimensional portals to try to bring Osiris back?" Amadeus asked.
"Yep, but this was one Osiris found himself near the star Sirius," Renfield picked up a telescope and started to gaze with that, "but fortunately the boss's astronomers were watching carefully and calculated precisely the location where the interdimensional portal would try to open. I was quickly on scene to fire at the portal using a Russian intercontinental ballistic missile which of course prevented its opening."
"Do you suppose Osiris will ever find a way back successfully to Earth?" Amadeus inquired.
"Well according to secret meetings of 33rd Degree Freemasons that I've wiretapped, Osiris is supposed to return in the year 2012," Renfield gazed at the North Star.
"He is?" Amadeus looked surprised.
"Yes, various Masons have apparently prophecied Osiris' return in 2012 including the Worshipful Master of George Washington's Masonic lodge back in the late 18th Century," Renfield looked at the ship's compass.
"Isn't 2012 the year that Quetzalcoatl is also supposed to return?" Amadeus pulled out a magnet and started playing with it.
"Yes, according to a lot of modern interpreters of ancient Mayan prophecies as well as the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec who is Quetzalcoatl's high priestess and spiritual goddaughter," Renfield started hitting the ship's compass.
"But Quetzalcoatl was called Kukulkan by the ancient Mayans wasn't he?" Amadeus pulled out another magnet from his pocket.
"Yes, he's also called Jesus Christ by modern Mormons," Renfield pulled out a smaller compass from his own pocket.
"Really?" Amadeus looked quizzical.
"Yes, the Mormons believe that Quetzalcoatl was what Christ called himself when he supposedly visited the Americas according to Mormon Church teaching," Renfield started shaking his own personal compass.
"But Quetzalcoatl was a god to whom human sacrifices were performed wasn't he?" Amadeus asked.
"Yes, and now that more and more people are aware of that historical fact, Mormons no longer talk about that particular bit of their doctrine," Renfield started hitting his compass.
"So what are we currently doing here anchored off the waters of Copenhagen?" Amadeus queried.
"The boss is a bit paranoid that Osiris might still find a way to show up at the Copenhagen Summit on Climate Change and get the leaders of the world to acclaim him the divine head of a one world government," Renfield looked at the submarine's compass and then his own.
Amadeus walked away jingling the twenty odd toy magnets he had in his pocket which were prizes he found in children's cereal boxes.
To be continued.
Renfield knocks out a portal for Osiris over the White Sea on Wednesday, December 9th, 2009.
No comments:
Post a Comment