The Burlap Diamond

Dracul Van Helsing was lecturing to his
Geopolitics and International Relations class.

The topic was Russian President Dmitry
Medvedev's advice to Patriarch Kirill the
newly elected Patriarch of Moscow and All Russia.

Medvedev had warned Kirill (who had been Metropolitan
of Smolensk prior to his election as the Patriarch of
the Russian Orthodox Church) to break all contacts
with the Roman Catholic Church.

Kirill was the reform candidate for the top position
of the Russian Orthodox Patriarchate. He was very
ecumenical and wanted to establish closer ties
with the Roman Catholic Church.

The other two candidates wanted the
Russian Orthodox Church to remain closely
tied in with the Putinist state (Putinism being
a synthesis of old Russian Imperialist Tsarism
and neo-Stalinism) and promote Russian
ultra-nationalism rather than seek the re-union
of the Mystical Body of Christ.

As he talked, Dracul noticed a man
who had never been in his class before.

When class was over, the man
went up to Prof. Van Helsing and introduced
himself.

"I'm Sond... John Sond... Double-O Nothing,"
said the man, "I like my cans of Coca-Cola shaken
not stirred.

"That I can believe," Dracul noticed the
nasty Coca-Cola stains on the man's shirt
and tie.

"Anyways, we have reason to beiieve that you
are in possession of the Burlap Diamond," Sond
explained.

"How do you know that?" Dracul asked.

"Well, we at MI-6 didn't know it ourselves,"
Sond explained, "the Russian FSB (successor
to the Soviet KGB) told us. Last weekend,
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin felt an
intense craving for real British Fish and Chips
and MI-6 told him we'd buy him and fly him
over a dish in return for any valuable information
he could supply us. So he directed the FSB
to tell us the location of the Burlap Diamond
that had been stolen under our very noses
last week."

"I understand Swiss terrorists stole the diamond,"
Dracul said.

"And we understand you know the leader of these
Swiss terrorists, Susmita Singh an Indian girl who
lives in Zurich, Switzerland," Sond noted.

"Yes, I didn't know Susmita Singh was the
leader of a Swiss gang (although Swiss terrorism
consists of stealing diamonds and watches and burning
Swiss Chalet barbequed chicken not bombing or kidnapping
or killing people)," Dracul replied, "I just thought she was into
yodelling and making Swiss cheese."

"Why would she mail you the Burlap Diamond?" Sond asked.

"I suspect it was mis-communication of some sort," Dracul explained,
"I told her I was looking for a new baseball diamond for the town of
Tofield, Alberta, Canada. And she mailed me a baseball and also this
diamond the Burlap Diamond."

Dracul Van Helsing opened the Swiss stamped package and there wrapped
inside some burlap in the package was the Burlap Diamond.

"Thanks," Sond picked up the diamond, "this is one of Britain's national
treasures."

"Do you want to take this baseball as well?" Dracul Van Helsing
held up the baseball.
"No thanks," Sond smiled and left the classroom.

As he walked down the halls of the community college,
it suddenly dawned on Sond whose autograph was on
the baseball.

Joe DiMaggio's.

John Sond started hitting his forehead in public and
said out loud, "oh, what a dummy! oh, what a dummy!".

The End.