"Why have you been buried with your head over the computer the past few days?" Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield R. Renfield.
"Because I hacked into the London Zoo's security camera feed to see if I can spot the guy who stole my tuna fish sandwiches last Friday and I spotted him," Renfield said, "he fed my sandwiches to Siegfried the Seal."
"Siegfried the Seal?" Amadeus looked quizzical, "isn't he the one whose body they reported was hacked into pieces and mailed in a box to the President of Greenpeace with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper's return address on the parcel?".
"Yes, I was the one who cut up Siegfried as punishment for his eating my tuna fish sandwiches," Renfield grinned, "I just thought I'd mail the body to the President of Greenpeace because of my keen sense of fun and to show you that I do have a sense of humour which you say I lack. I used the Canadian Prime Minister's address since Canada and Greenpeace have been at loggerheads for decades over the Canadian baby seal hunt."
"So since the seal is dead," Amadeus said, "why are you still on the computer?".
"I killed the accomplice after the fact Siegfried the Seal but I still haven't got the original culprit," Renfield explained, "I'm trying to correlate the visual image I have of the tuna fish sandwich thief with visual images of other people in the worldwide computer data base. Given that there are over 6 billion people on Earth, it's kind of taking a while."
"It would," Amadeus remarked as he ate some Nestle chocolate covered Smarties.
"Eureka, I've got him, Charles Simeon," Renfield beamed with almost a post-orgasmic glow to him.
"So this Simeon's days will now be numbered," Amadeus started counting the number of Smarties he had left in his package.
"Oh, fuck me senseless, no!" Renfield screamed.
"Sorry, I'm not sexually oriented that way to grant your request," Amadeus replied.
"It's not that," Renfield cried, "somebody's beat me to it. Charles Simeon has been identified by his DNA as the person who was found cut up in tiny pieces on a warehouse floor last Saturday morning Scotland Yard's forensic lab has just announced."
"He must have stolen somebody else's tuna fish sandwiches too," Amadeus wrestled with the Vampire Set's pet parakeet for sole possession of the last remaining Smartie.
"I'll kill the bastard who killed him," Renfield vowed, "how dare someone rob me of my vengeance?".
Amadeus managed to eat the sole remaining Smartie, "Do the police have any leads on who might have killed the tuna fish snatching Mr. Simeon?".
"And now the monks of Mirfield's Community of The Resurrection choir will sing in Latin the Nunc Dimittis..." the BBC Radio 3 announcer intoned.
"They've got here two police artist sketches of two possible suspects," Renfield replied, "one looks like Mr. Bean and the other looks like Freddy Krueger."
"That's bizarre," Amadeus dipped a black licorice stick into some potato chip dip and started eating it.
Renfield went over to a drawer and pulled out his kit of medieval torture instruments.
"What are you doing with those?" Amadeus asked.
"I'm going to be paying a little visit to two different actors," Renfield chuckled, "one to actor Rowan Atkinson who plays Mr. Bean and the other to actor Robert Englund who played Freddy Krueger in the original Nightmare On Elm Street movies."
Renfield took his kit and walked out into the dark and foggy London night.
"May God have mercy on their souls," Amadeus made the Sign of the Cross.
To be continued.
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