The Best Laid Plans Of Mice and Men Often Go Astray

O' Hare International Airport in Chicago had to cancel 400 flights yesterday.

The official reason was the weather.

But the real reason is that federal Law Enforcement agencies have still been unable to locate the mysterious individual who shot and killed a U.S. Air Marshall during a dispute over wanting to go to the washroom during the last hour of an international flight between London, England and Chicago, Illinois.

The shooting incident happened on Tuesday.

When the plane arrived at O'Hare, it was stormed by federal law enforcement authorities who shot and killed the pilot, the co-pilot, some of the flight crew and five innocent passengers.

A Homeland Security spokesperson originally described the operation as a success.

An hour later when it turned out the shooter of the U.S. Air Marshall didn't appear to be on board the plane and several innocent people had died in his stead, the same Homeland Security spokesperson then described the operation as a failure but assured the assembled media, "I can assure you our department has really learned a lot from this."

United States President Barack Obama, commenting on the incident, said, "The buck stops in my office."

Pulling on their father's shirt sleeves, daughters Sasha and Malia commented, "But daddy, that new deer head in your office is a doe not a buck."

Obama White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel immediately ordered both the media and the deer head out of the Oval Office after noticing a sudden drop in the President's approval ratings on the latest updates on the P.E.T.A. Twitter page.

P.E.T.A. (People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals) have also condemned the head of the tactical squad who stormed the plane at O' Hare International Airport this past Tuesday night.

The head of the tactical squad who lost his leg in that incident after being bitten on the ankle by a rabid rodent (who scurried off the plane when it was stormed) had threatened to track down the elusive rabid rodent and kill it.

There is still a huge debate going on in various talking head shows on both CNN and the Fox Network as to whether the rodent was a rat, a mouse or a hamster.

Conservative talk show hosts say the rodent was a rat because it looked like a Democrat to them.

Liberal talk show hosts say the rodent was a mouse because it did look like a Democrat to them as well and mice are good at frightening Republican elephants.

A spokesman for the U.S. Libertarian party said the rabid rodent who scurried off the plane in Tuesday's incident was probably a hamster since it looked like a virtual double of the robotic hamster toy that was this past Christmas' bestselling item- "proof of what the free market in America is capable of creating when it's left unhampered (or in this case un-hamstered) by government".

And speaking of hamsters, a hamster has been confirmed as the suspected suspect in the death of a guest on this past Wednesday's taping of the Oprah Show.

During the show, a rabid hamster jumped on the guest's neck and bit the jugular vein in his neck. Doctor Oz who was in the audience at the time was unable to immediately respond since he was answering text messages about an upcoming lucrative book deal on his Blackberry. A paramedic who carried away the corpse on a stretcher said, "Often what's done in the first few minutes after one of these incidents occurs is critical to the patient's survival."

Oprah had as her guest on the show well-known New Age financial guru Eckhart Donne Bell Tolled author of the best selling book Letting Your Inner Buddha Guide You On Making Important Financial Decisions.

The late Eckhart Donne Bell Tolled is best known for being a former financial advisor to the formerly billionaire and currently millionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

-Reuters News Service


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The formerly billionaire and currently millionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set turned to his shapeshifting hamster/human Chief of Security Renfield R. Renfield and said, "Well Ren, another job well done."



To be continued.