Desperate Times Require Desperate Measures

It was morning on the colossal London estate of the formerly billionaire and currently millionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Set was sitting in his study in a chair under an umbrella (personally autographed by Rihanna) to prevent any sun rays from reaching him.

Renfield was doing a crossword puzzle using a felt pen.

The television was on and a BBC morning news broadcast was playing.

Amadeus entered the room.

"You look more spaced out than normal this morning," Renfield looked up at Amadeus, "what's up?".

"I had trouble sleeping last night," Amadeus answered.

"Really?" Renfield scratched his head over the possible answer to 69 Down, "what did you do before you went to bed?".

"I went out last night and saw the 3D version of James Cameron's Avatar at the Multiplex," Amadeus replied.

"Any good?" Renfield glanced over at a nearby pencil.

"Kind of reminded me of the Disney cartoon Pocahontas for some reason," Amadeus took a lollipop out of a wrapper.

Deciding that pencils were only for wimps, Renfield held his felt pen poised over 69 down, "Anyone know a seven letter word to describe Tila Tequila?".

"Airhead," Amadeus started licking his lollipop.

"That fits," Renfield wrote it in.

The BBC News anchorman on the TV said, "And in the latest news from America, Sarah Palin has been given her own talk show on the Fox Network and NBC has bumped Jay Leno from his prime time spot..."

"What the f- ?" Renfield looked up from his crossword puzzle, "Next thing you know, Mark McGwire will be admitting that he used steroids."

As Amadeus held a copy of the morning newspaper (which Renfield hadn't seen yet) and looked out the window, he remarked, "That cardinal just fell out of the trees."

"Shouldn't be sitting on a tree in the middle of a blizzard," Renfield remarked unsympathetically.

"In other news," the BBC News Announcer intoned, "the world is still abuzz about the so-called Vampiress With Amnesia, the supposed vampiress who calls herself Martini, being named the heiress to the Romanov billions since it's now been shown that she was indeed the wife and widow of George Count Brasov the late nephew of the late Czar Nicholas II. Martini married Count Brasov only a couple of months before he was killed in a car accident during the summer of 1931. A recently discovered chest of Brasov's documents was found which contained a marriage certificate, a black and white photo of the couple on their wedding day and a will signed by Count Brasov in which he names his wife Maria Vodka as the heiress to his estate. The estate is now worth billions and billions of dollars. So Martini the vampiress is herself now worth billions and billions."

"Billions and billions," Renfield looked over at his boss the formerly billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set while a lightbulb suddenly appeared over Renfield's head.

"Where did you want me to put this lightbulb again?" Amadeus asked who was holding the bulb over Renfield's head.

"I'll tell you where you can stick that lightbulb," Renfield screamed and did just that.

"Hm," Amadeus said, "I better find that attractive and bossy tight skirted woman security guard at Heathrow Airport. She seems to have a lot of experience working in that particular area I recall when I went through the security check last week."

As Amadeus went outside to hail a taxi to Heathrow Airport, Renfield looked at the TV screen's image of the beautiful and lovely Martini the billionaire heiress vampiress with amnesia.

"Say, boss, have you ever thought of tying the knot?" Renfield asked his formerly billionaire employer.

"I admit I've been suffering bouts of depression ever since the global economic meltdown of the autumn of 2008 but I don't feel like hanging myself just yet," Set answered.

"No, I mean getting married," Renfield explained.

Set put down his copy of The Wall Street Journal. He hadn't considered marriage for millenia. The last time he thought of marrying was to his sister Isis. But his brother Osiris beat him to it.

"Marriage?" Set felt the urge to buy a Gillette Fusion Razor, "to whom?".

"To her," Renfield pointed to the television screen.

One of the BBC announcers intoned, "Bet you wouldn't mind sticking your olive into this martini."

To be continued.