Martini... Shaken But Not Stirred

The guest on the CNN Talk Show was a professor of 20th Century Eastern European History.

The guest told Anderson Cooper, "What the average American should remember about a totalitarian state like the U.S.S.R. is how greatly it impacted every single individual's life. In addition to the possibility of being arbitrarily arrested, shot or exiled to a Siberian gulag, there was the daily irritation of having to stand in line for hours on end in order to get something. And having to have your personal ID papers on you at all times. Imagine that- standing in line for hours on end and being required to produce the proper papers when asked."

"Thank heaven we live in 21st Century America instead of the 20th Century U.S.S.R.," Anderson quipped.

As the end credits rolled on the program, CNN's announcer intoned, "Coming up on Headline News, there are 6 to 12 hour line-ups at virtually every airport in the country. Airlines are reminding passengers to have the proper documentation and ID cards on them when they reach the front of the line."

Martini the vampiress with amnesia shut off the TV with her remote.

She stretched out on the sofa of her Baltimore, Maryland apartment.

The apartment had been found for her by psychiatrist Doctor Morgana Jones who was a personal friend of the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

Dr. Jones was overseeing Martini's treatment to recover from her amnesia.

No one was sure of the vampiress's real name. Martini was the name given her after what Dracul was drinking on the night they decided she really did need a name.

So far all she had been able to remember was that she Martini had once sang the role of Marguerite in a live stage version of the opera Faust. A production which the real immortal Doctor Faust had personally attended and in which Doctor Faust tried to have sexual relations with Martini in the dressing room after the show.

Martini had been rescued by a masked man who was said to be an unknown composer who haunted the basements of the opera house and took ladies for boat rides in the sewer systems of Paris.

Who was that masked man?

Some called him The Phantom.

The masked man had rushed into her dressing room just as the orchestra was finishing Ravel's Bolero (in accompaniment with Faust's ravishing touches). The orchestra had broken into a glorious rendition of Rossini's William Tell Overture just as the masked man punched Doctor Faust in his farmfield resembling face.

"Who was that masked man?" Martini had asked just as the William Tell Overture finished.

As for the immortal Doctor Faust, he died last autumn when he was set on fire in the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada.

Martini had also had recurring dreams of being married in a church.

There was a knock on her apartment door.

She opened it.

Standing there was a distinguished looking gentleman in pinstripe suit and tie with top hat and cane.

The man handed her his card, bowed and introduced himself, "I'm Nyet Bleak the XVIIth of the distinguished and very ancient British law firm of Dickens, Jamdyce and Nyet Bleak. Your photo was sent to us by a private investigator and we couldn't help noticing the resemblance to the woman in this picture."


Nyet Bleak handed her an old black and white photo of a beautiful young woman (who was the spitting image of her- Martini) standing next to a handsome blonde young man in front of what appeared to be an Orthodox Church.

The young Martini lookalike was dressed in a white bridal dress and veil while the young man was dressed in a groom's outfit.

"This photo was taken in front of Saint Vladimir's Orthodox Church in Paris back in May, 1931," Nyet Bleak explained, "it's a photo of George Count Brasov the nephew of Czar Nicholas II and the son of Grand Duke Michael Alexandrovich of Russia (who was Czar for a few hours briefly in March 1917 after Nicholas had abdicated the throne for both himself and his son the Tsarevich Alexis but Michael refused to accept the throne unless the title was officially given to him by an elected assembly of the Russian people)."

"I was married to this man?" Martini asked.

"Well not you personally," the man laughed, "but certainly judging from the resemblance, your grandmother might have been."

"But I'm a vampiress," Martini lowered the lingerie slip she was wearing, "so I have no idea how old I am."

"You could very well be his bride then," Bleak's face lit up, "in which case you're the heiress to the Romanov family billions."

"Billions?" Martini stammered.

"Yes, " Bleak said, "we have the wedding photo, the marriage certificate, your name on the certificate was apparently Maria Vodka and as his wife, you're the heiress to the Romanov fortune which lays unclaimed in a Lloyd's of London Bank vault today. George got a third of the Romanov estate from his grandmother the Dowager Empress Marie when she died in 1928. Today that third of the estate- in gold bullion and diamonds and rubies and precious jewels is worth billions and billions of dollars." Bleak then added in a voice sounding much like the late astronomer Carl Sagan, "Billions and billions."

"When did my husband die?" Martini asked.

"He was killed in an auto accident that summer of 1931," Bleak did his best to look bleak, "July 21st 1931 to be exact."

She had played Marguerite on stage, she was currently called Martini and she had married the heir of the Romanovs under the name of Vodka.

Margarita. Martini. Vodka.

With all these names named after drinks, no wonder she was a vampiress with amnesia.


To be continued.