Dracul Drinks Tea, Renfield Has To Pee

Dracul Van Helsing was sitting in his cousin's house in Tewkesbury, England.

"So," his cousin Edmund asked him, "one of your friends is a political prisoner in an Iranian Secret Police dungeon in Tehran?".

"That's right," Dracul nodded.

"And this friend of yours is a real honest-to-God vampire?" Edmund queried.

Dracul nodded again but said nothing.

"So how does a vampire hunter and slayer such as yourself get to be friends with a vampire?" Edmund added some more hot water to the pot of tea.

"Long story," Dracul poured the tea into his cup, "but he was made a vampire against his will. And he always bought bottles of blood that were rejected as unacceptable by the Red Cross. He's never attacked anyone."

Dracul remembered in his own mind that Manuel de Rivera y Vargas had turned the New Orleans singer Angelique Dumont into a vampiress but that was at her own request because she was dying of cancer and wanted to live a little longer. It wasn't an attack by a vampire on a human.

"I doubt the Iranian Red Crescent in Tehran will be able to deliver bottles of blood to him," Edmund poured cream into the bottom of his cup and then added the tea.

"Yes, he'll probably die in prison over there..." Dracul gazed out the window at the John Halifax Gentleman mill in the distance, "unless... unless... unless..."

"Unless what, Dracul?" Edmund seemed hesitant to ask since he knew his cousin, "what are you thinking of?".


* * *

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were sitting on a British Airways flight from London to Chicago.

"I have to take a piss," Renfield loudly announced and then proceeded to undo his seatbelt.

"But you're not allowed to get up the last hour of the flight," Amadeus said.

"Bullshit," Renfield started walking down the aisle, "I'm not inconveniencing myself because of some stupid airheaded bureaucratic decision because U.S. Intelligence wasn't intelligent enough to stop some scumbag who hid explosives down his panties."

"Sir, you'll have to return to your seat," a stewardess approached him.

Renfield took his hand and pinched a nerve at the back of the stewardess' neck and rendered the woman unconscious.

It turned out that an armed Flight Marshall was aboard the flight. He ran down the aisle with his gun drawn and ordered Renfield to put his hands up in the air.

Renfield instead gave the man the finger and using a swift kung fu jump and leap in the air soon had the Flight Marshall pinned to the ground with both of his arms behind his back.

Renfield then used the Flight Marshall's own gun and fired a bullet at the back of the man's head.

Renfield then pulled his pants down and pissed all over the corpse of the dead Flight Marshall.

"This is what I do to people who irritate me when I'm having a bad day," Renfield spoke calmly.

He then pulled his pants back up, stuck the Flight Marshall's gun in his belt and then walked down the aisle back to his seat where for some reason no one felt like irritating him further on this bad day he was having.


To be continued.